𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐔𝐬

Part 17 ~ Battle Within Yourself

Anika's Point Of View ~ 

I feel like a headless chicken. I'm getting ready to see Michael today . . we are only going for a walk as he has work later today. I called him last night. It is as if those photos of us made me want to contact him again. We talked on the phone for hours. 

I felt on top of the world. 

Lisa comes into my room, holding a dress. 

"Okay, try this one on . . " She tells me. 

Lisa is so lovely. I told her everything . . all about Michael coming here to see me after that night I unexpectedly bumped into him while he was working. And since then, we have talked and been hanging out. I told Lisa, Michael and I were seeing each other today too. And without a second thought, she came over with clothes in hand from her much younger days. I take the dress she wishes me to try on, heading into the bathroom to change into it. I always have loved this dress. When Lisa would wear it, I was only very little but I always hoped that I would one day be able to wear it. It's a dress that makes you stand out but also one that keeps a low profile. Elegant but not too . . classy but not over the top. It's subtle and modest. I hear a soft knock upon the bathroom door already. I can tell Lisa is dying to see what it look like on me. 

"How's it going, Anika? . . " She asks. 

I open the door. Lisa's face saying it all, nothing needs to be sad. However, I still find myself asking the question anyway. 

"Does it look okay? . . " I ask softly. 

Lisa claps her hands together, brushing off my question immediately as she walks towards me. 

"Oh Anika. You look amazing . . " We both look into the large mirror of the bathroom, our reflections before us. Our smiles wide but mine . . it changes. It disappears as I hang my head down, continuing to battle with my mind. They say the battle comes when you get knocked down and they are right. It's only when that happens, do you truly feel yourself get back up and fight . . as you fight to find your happiness again. Fists at the ready, eyes focusing on nothing else but your opponent as they too stand in front of you as well as your ears listening, just waiting for that ding. But for me, it's more mental than physical. That is what the battle means for me. That the battle, the true battle . . 

. . is the battle you fight within yourself. 

I feel Lisa see this. Her face soft. I think she knows why. She does. Lisa knows me too well. She knows all about my past, my history with Michael and my feelings for him. Still. How is that even possible? I have been fighting this battle within myself for 10 years. After I left, I was sad. Hurt. But my mind kept going back to him. When will it end? . . will it ever? Lisa's arms around me. She tries her best to comfort me, choosing her words very carefully. 

"Anika. Talk to him about it again . . " 

She says softly. I wipe a tear away, hoping it was quick enough to not give Lisa the chance to see. I want to talk to Michael about it. Of course I do. But I'm afraid. I'm so fucking anxious. I know that if I do, it'll just bring it all back. That night. The day I left. It is something that I have wanted to forget but never did. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much time passed and how much I wanted it to just go away . . it never did. It never will, I feel. When it comes to the heartbreak of love, people change. People get older . . they get wiser. They then grow into different people. And it makes them stronger. It helps them to learn from their past, to allow them to move on and therefore eventually forget. But me . . ugh. It just hasn't been that easy for me. I'm still the same person. I still love Michael so much. I still get those butterflies when I speak to him, when I look at him. I miss him. I miss us. That is the battle in my mind that I am trying to fight as such feelings and thoughts shouldn't be around. They shouldn't have the authority to rise up with me every time I look at him. It's not right.