Nightmares To Daydreams

Chapter Fifty-One

You were now sitting at Spencer's dining room table. Soft, morning light filtered through the blinds as you stared at the grains in the mahogany table. Spencer placed a steaming cup of tea in front of you and sat down next to you. He took a sip from his coffee before gathering your hands in his own.

"I want to consider Hotch's offer. Seriously this time."

You froze. Spencer wanted to consider leaving the BAU? "But, I thought you didn't want to leave. What happened? Are you okay?" You were on the edge of your seat, tea all but forgotten. You carefully searched his clouded eyes and found them to be rather tense.

His eyes focused on a spot just above your head. "I realized how selfish I was. I hadn't known how much," he stopped himself and swallowed, "that's not true. I didn't allow myself to see just how much the job was wearing on you, on both of us, but seeing you like that in the backseat yesterday" he choked back a sob and locked his teeth. You used your thumb to stroke his hands while he composed himself.

"I hate that you couldn't even wake up in the back of the car without immediately having to be on edge. I hate that you had to be on alert and I hate that you were so wound tight after our honeymoon. The job takes so much from people, I should know that better than anyone. I couldn't get my head out of my ass long enough to see what was best for you. I want to seriously consider the offer. All the pros and cons." You were stunned by the passion in his voice. You hadn't realized just how much your episode had affected him.

"Uhm okay. Would you like to stay in this area? This state? The country? Uhm would you like to teach? What would you like to teach? Or maybe we should consider reasons to stay?" You felt like you were floundering. You had been caught totally off guard and were obviously struggling to gather your thoughts. "I want to know what you want first," his words were incredibly tender but you noticed that his face was carefully guarded. This conversation was terrifying him.

You decided to pretend as if you were fantasizing to Devin rather than to Spencer himself, "I don't know it's not like I've thought about it a lot. I guess I just assumed we'd always be with the BAU. I guess I'd want to move in a nice house somewhere, probably closer to the countryside for privacy and space but not so far that we were alienated from the team. If we were gonna think totally outside the box I'd probably like a lake or a beach house but I know the closest would be incredibly far from here. If you're deadset on staying near the team I'd probably ask to put a pool in. I think I would probably teach in-depth forensic psychology or maybe even an astrology class. I think that would be a good elective for students." Spencer let you ramble on, patiently listening. "I think I'd like to have some friends to talk about things other than gruesome murders and I'd love to have a library in our house, ooh! And a porch swing. We have to have a porch swing. Honestly, I think it would be perfect if we moved in to an old fixer-upper together because we both love the Victorian style, though I do tend to enjoy the more gothic Victorian styles," the longer you talked the more excitable you became and Spencer began smiling with your hands in his own.

"Is that all?" His voice was teasing and it elicited a slight rush of embarrassment to heat your face. You nodded and he chuckled lightly before leaning to kiss your forehead. Once he had returned to his original position, his face became carefully guarded again. It was as if he was at war with himself. He sat across from you with knitted eyebrows in complete silence for a long while.

When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and strained. "I'm scared Y/n, I'm so scared. Almost all of my self-worth comes from my ability to be a useful member of our team. What happens when I can't prove myself anymore?" His eyes were desperately searching yours for some semblance of an answer. "I know my love, it's terrifying, but I think it's time to start the new chapter of our lives."