blame it on me

seventeen (part i): a blast from the past

I sat there, frozen, completely glued to my spot just blinking, unable to believe what I was seeing right in front of me.

"Sunmi?" I repeated, this time my voice as low as a whisper.

And she stopped. She wasn't walking anymore, and her smile dropped the moment she saw me, and that's exactly when I knew she was real.

"Sooya" she said, and by the look on her face, I could tell I wasn't the only one taken by surprise.

Maybe it's my imagination or my memory playing tricks on me, but even though I'm pretty sure our contest stare lasted only for a couple of seconds, to me it felt like an eternity of just looking into those eyes I hadn't seen in years. Sunmi was right there in the flesh, and I just didn't know what to say or how to feel - the only thing I could hear after tuning out the rest of the world was the loud beating of my own heart, and the chills that ran down my spine, all like a stupid cliché.

Just what are the odds? I see my therapist one day and he warns me about Rosé, and then the next day I'm standing in Rosé's house, wearing Rosé's pajamas, with Rosé's mom sitting right next to me, but the person I'm staring at isn't Rosé.

"Crap" I heard a hiss followed by a loud thud.

Blinking, I looked to my right and there I saw the girl of the hour on the floor, after having clearly stumbled and fallen.

"Really, Chaeng-ah?" Sunmi chuckled lightly.

Wait a damn minute... 'Chaeng'?

Looking down, I saw Rosé still wincing in pain while rubbing her butt; that was, of course, until she realized whose voice that was and now she was looking at her wide-eyed.

"Sunmi!" she gasped, turning to look at me and then back at her. "Wha- what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to get here until this afternoon."

"I- I guess I forgot" she answered, clearly unsure of what else to say.

"Well come on in, sweetie. You must be so tired" Rosé's mom, who seemed unaware of the tension in the room, urged her with a big smile plastered on her face.

Looking back into my eyes, I noticed Sunmi's hesitation and she took a step back, aiming for the door.

"I think now is not a good time" she hurriedly said. "Maybe I should come back later."

"Wait!" I let out loudly before she could leave. "Stay... please."

I honestly couldn't tell you where the strength to say those words came from, but I'm pretty sure my voice was just as shaky as the rest of my body. I couldn't even swallow my own saliva properly.

"Jisoo" I heard Rosé's soft voice behind me. "Are you okay?"

I could feel her warm presence standing close to me, and the softness of her skin when her hand grabbed mine, but for some reason her voice felt distant. It's like I was disconnected from reality and struggling to go back to the present moment.

Maybe I'm rambling and none of this makes sense, but I think this is what my doctors call dissociation, and apparently I do that a lot. Or at least that's what they've told me.

"Jisoo" Rosé's voice was firmer this time, more determined, yet I couldn't move.

I was frozen in time, glued to my spot, feeling like a hovering entity just floating around outside my own body. I could feel the cold beads of sweat trickling down my forehead and the way my throat was getting so constricted that I could barely breathe. There was a tingly sensation in my hands all the way to my fingertips, and a sense of emptiness and dread in the pit of my stomach.