Kabul - Acceptance: Sequel to 'Yasak - Forbidden' (A Goktug Alp Love Story)

A/N

T//W: Animal Death, Mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts

Salam Everyone!

Ayesha here <3

It's been a while.

But I thought I'd do a little update.

These past few weeks have been tough. I am going to school for the first time in months tomorrow, to attend exams I doubt I'll pass, and my beloved Milo, my cat, my best friend and my companion, recently passed away, as some of you who follow me on Instagram probably already know.

We sent him to the vet on the 21st of October, so he could have a surgery to get rid of the tumor. But unfortunately, he experienced something similar to an anxiety attack, and he got sick because of it, so they decided to give him therapy for a few days before continuing with the procedure.

He spent a week at the vet, somewhere he didn't know and was not familiar with. I called every day to check up on him, to see how he was doing. He seemed okay from what I heard, the doctor in charge of him had a lot of good things to say about him, such as that he was a very good and friendly cat, and was very well behaved.

They had to reschedule many operations because his appetite was not getting any better, and they needed to feed him up before operating on him. But he never ate, and we only found out why on Friday, the 29th of October.

They finally did the procedure- or started with it, anyway. They opened him up and saw that the tumor had spread to all of his internal organs, affecting his liver and intestines the worst, which is why he couldn't eat. The vet called me immediately, and the exact words she said was, "The tumor is too advanced for us to continue on with the procedure. I don't think that he's going to make it."

I remember that moment all too well.

I remember the shock I went into, and how my body froze up and I lost sight of everything for a while.

You see, even though everyone told me to be prepared for anything, I had hope. I had a reckless, desperate hope for him to be saved, especially as the doctor we had sent him too had saved my sister's cat from a tumor too, that was apparently "worse" than Milo's- which in the end, obviously wasn't the case. But I still had hope. I was still expecting him to be here at this moment, comforting me from the anxiety of going to school in the morning. But no, he isn't here, because he's gone.

I immediately went to the vet with my mother, and I cried every second of the way.

When we arrived, I saw his limp, but still alive form being placed in a tray and brought out to us, so we could put him in his carrier and bring him home. We agreed to have him home for the night, to see if he will go on his own- and if he did not, then we would bring him to be put to sleep the next day. So we brought him home, and he was still paralyzed from the anesthesia, but he could still see and hear us. We put him on the small sofa in my bedroom, and tucked him up in soft towels and blankets, and I laid down next to him almost the entire time.

I was on pins and needles, waiting for him to go- actually hoping for him to go, which sounds horrible but I hated seeing him suffer. I told him so many times that it was alright, that I'll be okay, that he could rest...but he still fought. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to stay, I know he did.

But the thing is, he couldn't. He couldn't stay, and he couldn't live.

I spent the night waiting for him to slowly slip away. It was as if an actual human being was dying, because my older sister and niece came to see him, to say goodbye. My older brother too, came to see him to say goodbye. Even my parents were in tatters that night, and I have to say- the good thing about Milo dying was that for the first time in a long, long time, I was truly connected with my family members. It didn't last long, because now we're distant again, but it did exist even if it were just for a few days.

So I waited. I woke up multiple times in the middle of the night, to check if he was still alive and still breathing, and each time he was. There were moments where he was moving, waking up from the anesthesia, and I had a delusional hope that sparked each time he moved a little, thinking that he could be saved. But of course, my conscience knew the truth- either way, he would have to die.

The next morning, he was still alive. Trying to move, trying to get up. I think that he was hungry, or thirsty, but we couldn't do anything because he did not have the ability to eat or drink. So at 9:30AM, I set off to the vet with both my parents. We brought him in, and said our goodbyes.

I leaned down to whisper "I love you" in his ear one last time, and gave him to the vet so she could put him to sleep.

And in the next five minutes, Milo was gone.

The doctor came out with his body and told us that he had a very quick death, and that relieved me slightly, knowing that he did not have a painful death. But it is safe to say that when we brought his body in his carrier into the car and my dad and mum left me to pay the vet, I cried so hard I thought my heart would rip itself out of my chest. I cried and cried, and only stopped when my parents got back into the car and we drove home.

I buried him as soon as we got back, in a nice spot in the garden. My grandfather, who had come to swim in the pool, even read a prayer for his funeral(in his swimming trunks, no less). He too, loved Milo.

That was the thing about Milo; he was loved by so many. And he will be missed by so many, most of all me.

Though a big weight was lifted off my shoulders after successfully burying Milo, I dissolved into a lot of grief, and still am dissolving. I've had sleepless nights of breakdowns and tears, way worse than my previous ones ever could be.

I feel as though people moved on too fast; not even a week after Milo's death, my parents sat me down with one of my teachers to talk about school and my 'behaviors' and 'attitudes', just after I had another crying session for him. I was angry, and found it inconsiderate of them, but I said nothing as I know it would not have done anything beneficial. I'm trying to see that they mean well, but I do wish they had waited until after my exams or something.

And now, for them, it's gone back to normal. The tension between me and my parents is back, the distance between me and my family has returned, and the continuously biting anxiety of school is back too. But one more thing has been added to the list- the grief of losing Milo, and his absence.

His absence feels as if someone tore a large chunk of my heart out, if not my whole heart. There have been days where I've tried to distract myself, but the pain is still there, and has worsened everything so much.

I miss him so much.

He was my closest and best friend, my soulmate, my companion, and the only living thing who saw me at my worst. During the depth of my depressive episodes, or the height of my hypomanic episodes, even my suicidal breaks. He's heard me curse everything and everyone, he's heard me talk about Burak Celik, he's been with me whilst I write my stories and plan out my novels...he was everything to me. He was my whole world.

People have told me to get a new cat, and maybe I will eventually. But he or she will never be the same as Milo. No one can and no one will ever replace him.

Now I'm sitting here, at 3AM Malaysia Time, knowing that I will wake up in the morning and leave without saying goodbye to anyone or getting a hug or a kiss, knowing that I will set foot into that awful school and have my exams tomorrow. Yet here I am, writing to all of you, and telling you what has been going on so I can get something off my chest.

I want to say thank you for being here for me when no one else is. I haven't met any of you but I already love you all so much, and would definitely take a bullet for you.

You have all prayed for me and supported me through everything, and I doubt I could ever repay you back. All I can say is may Allah bless all of you, and keep you in his protection, and may He give all of you someone to love the way I loved, and still love Milo.

Thank you all for reading, I promise I will be back soon with more updates.

I love you guys,

Ayesha <3