Hell Is Freezing Over

Chapter 19

Austin's POV

Alan's been so distant the entire day. I understand that it's going to take time, and this definitely put a huge set back in the recovery, but it still hurts seeing him like this. Playing his guitar use to cheer him up, but even strumming the chords seem like an empty gesture. There's no gleam in his eyes, there's no bounce in his walk.

"Alan?"

He looks up, disoriented, like he was daydreaming, and I suddenly pulled him out, dazed and confused. He finally realizes where the sound came from when I sit down next to him. He shifts slightly to make room.

"Oh, hey Austin.", he says quietly, turning back around to stare at his journal, facing a blank page.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to write."

"What are you trying to write?"

"I don't know, I'm just trying to...make myself understand."

"Maybe I can help."

He shrugs, "I've been writing down everything I understand."

"It's blank though."

"Exactly.", he says, letting out a sigh.

"What are you trying to understand?"

He pauses for a while before saying anything, "Why Chris liked me, why he stopped, why he continues to act like he does, why I still continue to let him, why I want him to, why I don't...why you like me."

"That's a lot to try and understand."

He nods.

"I can answer two of them."

He looks up at me with sad eyes, and I don't know what I hate more, empty ones, or the ones he's showing now.

I open my mouth to speak again, "I like you because I think you're the greatest person in the entire world. You're so smart, and you're amazing at the guitar. And you write amazing lyrics, and you're so cute, and you make me a better person, and there's really nothing I hate about you...except maybe how much you hate yourself.

And I'm sure that's why Chris liked you too. There, I answered two already."

The corner of his lips lift a little, but he's soon turning back around. He lets out a small sniffle, and a tear drop stains his blank paper.

"If that's true, then why did he stop loving me?"

"Sometimes, Alan, people just fall out of love. Maybe somewhere inside, he still loves you, he's just not in love with you anymore."

"But why? Did I change, did I do something wrong to cause him to fall out of love?"

"Why do you care so much, Alan? I love you, I still do. Why can't you just accept that?", I say, my voice cracking uninvitedly.

"I do, but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

"Alan, you have to stop crying over him. You have to forget about him. I am here, and I love you, and I love you more than he ever did, more than he ever will."

He doesn't say anything for a while, and neither do I, but then finally, "That's what I'm trying to understand."

I look at him, eyebrows knitted together, "What?"

"That's what I'm trying to understand," he repeats, voice a little quieter, a little unsure, "why I still want him to love me. A little part of me can't help but want him to want me. To want him to love me, and treat me like he did before all of this started."

"And to fall back in love with him.", I whisper.

He doesn't tell me I'm wrong, like I want him to. He doesn't tell me I'm right either, and that hurts more. It makes me angry too.

"All you do is push what I offer away. Why can't you accept that you love me? Why does it have to be him?"

"I do love you, Austin.", he says, more tears falling onto his already stained journal.

"Obviously not. You want to be with him, but you also know that you like me."

"It's more complicated than that, Austin."

I stand up, suddenly angry and upset all at once, "It's really not. You're still fucking in love with a guy who beat you, and raped you, not just once!"

"Austin stop. Please.", he whispers.

And I want to, but I can't, "I've been picking up the pieces that he broke, gluing them back together, yet you keep running back to him, letting him break you even more, and more. You're right Alan, one day, you'll be too broken to fix, and I'll run out of glue, and the energy too."

I turn around, stopping for a moment when I hear the painful sobs of the boy, but I don't turn around, I just keep walking until I'm out of the bus, and running.