Hell Is Freezing Over

Chapter 14

I thrash around, feeling my every movement being pulled down by the sheets around me. I try to break free, but nothing's working, so I give up. The memories, it comes in waves. So I close my eyes, hold my breathe and let it bury me.

*

"Alan!"

I open my eyes, and my breathings frantic. I'm staring at Austin's chest, and I can feel my heart pounding. Tears are threatening to spill so I turn around, trying to avoid his gaze.

"Hey,", he whispers gently, rubbing my arm, "are you ok? Is everything all right."

I nod, but I'm not okay, and it's not alright.

"Alan, I'm not gonna judge you. You can cry in front of me.", he whispers, and places a kiss on my shoulder.

I shutter at the contact. Affection like that is so foreign to me. I don't know how to react so I shuffle away, closer to the edge, like my sanity. I'll fall out of this bunk with a single breathe, but I don't mind. What damage can be done that will be worse than this?

Austin's hands hold onto my waist, tight, but it's different from the tight grip Chris would use on me. His was strong because he was trying to protect me, make sure I don't fall off the edge, like I want to. Chris's , however, were more rough than really strong, and he used it to dangle me over the edge. He turns me back around so that I am facing him, and there's really no where for me to go. Judging by the silence and darkness of the bus, I would say it was probably still night, or very early in the morning, and we were still driving.

"Alan please.", he begs.

I shake my head, and his grip tightens a little more, and suddenly, my face goes hard again. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but whenever Chris wanted me to do something, and I refused, he would hold onto my my hip so hard that they left marks I'm sure you can still see. I just can't shake that connection away.

He realizes, because he pulls his arms back, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You don't have to tell me. I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, I just really wish you trusted me."

"I do trust you.", I say, for the first time since he started asking me question, "I'm just scared."

"Of what?", he asks.

I can hear desperation in his voice.

"Of everything. Of you leaving me, of me not being able to handle it. Look, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I don't trust myself. Sometimes, when bad things happen, your first instinct is to forget it, push it away, out of sight, out of mind. I don't want to think about those things anymore, and I feel like me talking about it, is me opening up those wounds again. I use to open them daily, leaving my bones exposed, and I'm scared I'll reignite some fire inside of me that I barely managed to put out."

He sighs, "I get it. If you don't want to talk about it now, if you're not ready, I get it. I'll wait until you are, but you're going to have to one day. I don't care when, but you'll have to one day, Alan. And even so, you don't have to hide yourself around me. You can cry, it's ok to break."

"But I've already broken so many times. I think there's a limit to how many times it can happen before it's just worthless self pity.", I spit out bitterly.

Because I hate these nightmares, and I hate having crippling anxiety attacks. There are starving children in some countries for gods sake, and I'm here crying over nothing.

"And there's also so many times a person can be broken before that limit doesn't apply to them anymore. It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to cry about it, and it's also ok to move on from it. It's ok, Alan."

And I finally break as he finishes the word. I fold into myself a little more, and let the tears fall. My body starts to shake uncontrollably, but then, his strong arms wrap around me, and I'm engulfed by his warmth. I cry into his chest, but my body isn't shaking anymore, because he's there to hold me.