Salvaging Family (SBI Angst)

1: Wilbur

My heart thudded loudly in my chest. It was getting much harder to breathe now. I'd been running for so long, and I was so tired. I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted to be at home, safe, with my brothers. But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

Techno had stormed out of the house about thirty minutes ago. He could be absolutely anywhere, and it was very unlikely that I'd find him. He was excellent at hiding when he wanted to be. When you came from a family like his, you had to be. Hiding saved his life countless times, but I know he wishes it didn't. I've seen him getting worse, and it kills me. I want to help him, but I'm just a kid. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to do anything. This is all just a waste of time.

I stopped where I was and nearly collapsed. This was a mistake. I never should have come out here, I never should have said those things, we never should have run away, I never should have pretended I could handle this. I was supposed to be a good example for Tommy, but I couldn't even manage to control myself when I got angry. I felt so stupid, so blind. What the hell was I even doing? Was I really trying to salvage the unsalvageable?

I felt my heart speed up more, if that was even possible. Every single moment of this last year was all a waste because I can't even be a good big brother. I can't keep our little family together. I am so weak, so powerless. I just want to give up. I should just give up. I don't know what's stopping me. There's not much left on Earth for me anyway.

But alas, I stay. Something keeps pulling me back here. A part of me still hopes that there is a bright future for us. A part of me wants to live. A part of me wants to get help. But most of me thinks I deserve the pain I've gone through. I know I don't. I've heard countless "inspirational" speeches urging me to know my worth. I know there's help for me. I'm just not sure that that's what I want. I feel so conflicted. So out of control.

There is one thing I can control though, and that's getting myself home. I just need to take one step at a time, and I'll be okay. I shakily brush the tears from my face and wait for my vision to clear. Then I begin the trek home, empty handed. There are some battles you just can't win. I just have to let Techno be alone for a little while, and we'll all be okay. We'll be just fine. I just have to get home. Just keep moving. Just keep moving. Just keep moving...

•••

I arrive home to see Tommy with wide, expecting eyes.

"Is he okay?"

"I... I didn't find him."

Tommy burst into tears. From the look on his face, I could tell this wasn't the first time he'd cried since I left. That made me feel guilty. It was my fault Techno left, after all. I started that fight. I always start those stupid, stupid fights...

"Wil?"

I snapped back into reality.

"I'm scared."

"I am too. But don't worry. He always comes back, remember? This time won't be any different. It'll be okay."

I stepped forward and pulled Tommy into a hug, letting him sob into my shoulder. He had gotten so tall, nearly passing me in height. I smiled to myself. At least some things never change. I rocked back and forth with Tommy, remembering all of the good times. Then I let the world go dark around me, finally relenting to a much needed sleep.