Salvaging Family (SBI Angst)

2: Techno

I frequently find myself in these types of situations.

Running away from my problems, I mean, not fighting off a probably rabid raccoon. Thankfully this is the only time that's happened.

Anyway, I know that I need to get home now. It's been, what, 3 days? Something like that. Wilbur must be worried sick. I always hate hurting him. I don't know why I keep doing it. I just get this... feeling. Like nothing is real and so nothing matters, and that feeling scares me a lot. I don't know how to process that, so I just run away instead. That's what I do best after all.

Plus, every day I spend away from home is another day I don't have to eat, which is always good. God knows I don't need to eat anything right now. I don't deserve it. I can go a bit longer yet.

And yes, I know that I'm sick. I know that what I'm saying is ridiculous and nonsensical, but I just can't help it. These thoughts are just so overwhelming! I can't shut them out. I can't make them stop. Hearing all those words so often... you eventually start to believe them. I never really thought I was fat, not even now. It's just all about control. Letting my body know that I'm the boss here. I make the calls, and if I say that I don't need to eat, I won't. That's how it goes.

This routine fuels me. I am an addict, and the satisfaction of seeing the numbers drop lower and lower is my drug. It's my only reason to live. I don't care about anything else. Numbers and nicotine, that's all I need. Speaking of which, I think I still have a cigarette on me. I reached into my pocket and drew it out. It's my last one, so I really will need to go home after this. I won't last long without them. And so, I lit it, and brought it up to my mouth. I love how this feels.

I continued walking home, the cold air nipping at my face. I left one lone trail in the snow, only for it the be covered back up by the new snow that was now beginning to fall. Almost like I had never even been there. But I had, and I knew I had. The Earth beneath my feet remembers me. It does not forget. Even in a few hundred years, it will know that I had crossed this land with dried tears on my face and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I will not be forgotten. This thought is soothing. It's okay, I think. I do exist. I'm real. I'm real.

Of course, these words were just a futile attempt to distract myself from the episode that I knew was coming. It had already wrapped its clawed hands around, I could feel its chilling touch. There was no avoiding this. I just needed to wait it out, and I needed to do that at home, where I would be safe.

I could see my house in the distance now. I knew that I looked awful from spending 3 nights on the streets, but I didn't really mind. I just hope they won't bring it up...

I reached for the doorknob slowly. I knew it would be unlocked, as Wilbur was still waiting for me. I took one last deep breath, and entered my home. Inside, Wilbur was washing dishes. His head snapped up when he heard the door open, and before I knew it he had bounded across the room into my arms.

"Thank God you're alright." He murmured after a moment. I wanted to hug him back, but I still had that bad feeling and he just wanted to be alone.

"Yes, now let me go."

"Sorry..." Wil let go and looked at the floor, waiting for me to hit him. I wasn't going to though. I had no reason to.

"I just wanna be alone right now."

"But you just got home! Please spend some time with us. You feel so distant recently. I miss you..."

I scoffed. He was making me really mad, acting the victim like that! I was the one suffering! This is about me!

"Fuck off Wil, haven't you got something better to do than bother me?" I snapped. I knew it was wrong even as I said it, and I felt extremely guilty.

"Is it so wrong to want to spend time with my own brother? You're supposed to be there for me." Wil countered.

"I don't give a fuck! I don't owe you anything!"

"Where did I go wrong, Techno?! When did I lose you?!"

"You didn't lose anything! I'm the one who lost it all. I lost my family, I lost my friends, I lost everyone I loved!"

"What about us? You never lost us!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU!" I heard a quiet gasp from Wilbur. I'd really gone and done it this time, hadn't I?

"So that's how you really feel, huh?" I heard Tommy chime in. I didn't even think he was home, let alone listening to our conversation.

"This isn't about you, Tommy. Just stay out of it." I rolled my eyes.

"You just said you didn't give a shit about us."

"God Tommy, you know I didn't mean it like that. Stop being so dramatic." I felt myself slipping into an episode. I was shaking and had a deep feeling of dread. I always said things I regretted when I had these episodes. I knew I would regret this too, but right now I just couldn't bring myself to care. Just let me be alone, just let me be alone, just let me be alone...

"I'm not being dramatic." Tommy whispered. "You're just being an asshole."

With that, he stormed off into his bedroom. Seems to be a common theme in our household. I look over to see Wilbur shaking and crying while muttering something unintelligible to himself.

"Wil...?"

He ignored me, instead leaving to go to his own bedroom. I knew what he was going to do in there, but I wasn't about to stop him. If he wants to fuck up his skin like that, let him. I don't care.

The episode was in full swing now. I felt a sense of detachment from my body and suddenly the world around me seemed unreal.

"Please..." I whispered. "Help me."

But nobody was coming to save me.