illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

twelve

chapter twelve: causally cruel

Five Hargreeves had a lot of regrets in his life. Like seriously, more than any average person. He regretted the time he overestimated his own abilities, and ended up stuck in the ruins of the apocalypse. He regretted the time he gave himself food poisoning in said apocalypse. He regretted the time he allowed the Handler to do what she wanted with him, to him, and he definitely regretted the way he reacted when he had been confronted about it.

He remembered clearly how he felt after it had happened; he was disgusted with himself. Disgusted that he had allowed himself to be treated like that. Five also regretted not explaining himself after it had happened. He regretted not telling the truth. He regretted allowing Anthony to just walk away that night.

He had spent the past four months of his life full of regret and pondering, because he had lost so much. He felt as if he had not only lost his partner, his favorite person, but he also felt as if he had lost a part of himself; a big part of himself, the most important part of himself, and probably the best part of himself.

Five really didn't know who he was without Anthony, and despite the fact that they had only known each other for a year, living a life without him almost seemed impossible. It was hard coming home each day to an empty apartment, when there was no Anthony waiting for him. The nights were even worse, his bed felt so empty and cold without his lover.

Anthony was not only a part of Five's life, but also a part of who he was, and without Anthony, what was his purpose? Why was he even there? To save his siblings? Sure, but even then, he couldn't imagine even doing any of it without Anthony.

He learned over time that saving his siblings was a huge priority, but also was making sure that Anthony was okay. And he felt bad leaving the Commission without him, because he had promised many months ago that he would help Anthony leave, and they would find somewhere together, to a place where they wouldn't have to hide anymore.

And sure, that was probably just a stupid fantasy; lies that they told each other so they could get through the day, and make their time at work just a small bit more bearable. But Five had always made it clear; he was not leaving until Anthony could be there with him, but that was a promise that he would have to break, a promise that he now had broken.

Anthony was really just a reflection of Five; all the good parts, the bad parts, and even the parts that they wouldn't even dare to talk about, because they didn't need to. They trusted and respected each other's boundaries, and what didn't want to be discussed, never had to be discussed, and it had always been implied that they would never even dare to judge each other.

They were both fucked up. They knew that, and they accepted that. Perhaps that is the reason they were so drawn to each other; the aspect of being somewhat understood. Both had the shared experience of a traumatic childhood, something they could relate on. Both could relate to the loneliness that followed for the years after that, and both could understand the hardship of life at the Commission.

Number Five had never believed in the whole 'twin flame' thing, but he had come to the conclusion that if they did really exist, Anthony was his.

Despite all of that, there were still parts that Number Five would never understand about Anthony; mainly the self harming and the disordered eating, but he really did try his best to understand just exactly what was going on inside of his partner's head.

There were also parts of Five that Anthony would never understand; of course, he would never know what it was like to live alone in the ruins of Earth for seventeen years, or what it was like to be a highly trained murderer. But he understood enough, enough to make Number Five feel as if he wasn't alone anymore, perhaps the only person who would ever understand Five to that extent, the only person that would accept him for what he was and never show any judgement.