illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

seventy

chapter seventy: we only see each other at weddings and funerals

Knowing that you're going to die soon can either be a terrifying or a peaceful thought; for some they are grateful for the time they've received to accept their fate, relived to know that they've had a chance to say their goodbye properly. For others it's just scary, not knowing the exact hour but knowing that soon enough you'll be in an afterlife that you didn't even believe in until you heard the news.

Anthony wouldn't exactly say that he's had time to process anything; it'd been nine days since they first arrived into this timeline and six days since they had realized the problem of the kugelblitz. So he really couldn't be grateful, just terrified.

He wasn't ready to go just yet, because there was so much he hadn't done and so much left that he wanted to do; he wanted more time with Five, more time with his siblings, he wanted to actually go to the places he never saw, have experiences he could've never had at the Commission, he wanted to figure himself out and know who he actually was outside the chaos of everything else.

As sad as it was, Anthony felt as if he had never even properly lived. He had spent more than half of his life hiding himself and denying who he was, and then even more years of his life living under the abuse and control of the Handler. Once he got away from that he was immediately focused on stopping the apocalypse, then he was thrown into the sixties.

Anthony felt as if he still hadn't fully even figured out who he was as a person, he knew practically nothing about himself or his feelings other than the fact that he loved Five and that he loved the Hargreeves family as if they were his own.

He had spent ig many years denying to himself who he was, and as soon as he had really figured it out and felt comfortable, it was taken away again.

Death as a concept was something that had always scared him, despite the fact he had spent years and years wishing that he was six feet underneath in the ground. He even had attempted to end his own life multiple times, and looking back now it all was kind of comical and stupid in a strange way.

He supposed it was some type of growth, for the person who had multiple plans to end his own life only a few months ago now trying to desperately cling onto it with everything he had.

Anthony was scared. He couldn't remember feeling this way since the day he broke up with Five; almost completely helpless with not having any idea of what he was going to do next.

He was almost entirely sure that Five was going to vote the opposite way to him; he seemed rather accepting of what was happening, and didn't seemed fazed by their appending deaths that was due in only a couple of hours from now.

The thought of trying to convince him to change his mind was definitely there, but Anthony honestly didn't think he would be able to sway him.

"Do you know which way you're voting?" Anthony asked as he lay across the sofa in the white buffalo suite, watching as his husband paced around in a circle as he was trying to remember something.

Five glanced at him, "I don't know," he shrugged, hands moving into his pockets. "What about you?"

"I want to go," Anthony mumbled, one of his hands fidgeting with the hem of his flannel. "I think we have nothing else to loose, we might as well try it."