illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

thirty five

chapter thirty five: happier than ever

Anthony couldn't decide if he was happy, angry or even scared at the sight of the note that he was now holding crumpled up in one of his shaky hands. He had reread it at least four times and eventually had just crumpled up the piece of paper into a ball. He wasn't even sure if he really wanted to go see him right now, because during his time in the sixties he had come to the conclusion that his life would be so much easier if he just stayed away from him and his entire family in general.

His life seemed to finally start getting better now, and he really did not want to risk loosing everything that he had right now. As awful as it sounds, when Anthony really considered it, he decided that just staying in the sixties alone would probably be better for not only himself, but also everyone around him.

"I'll be waiting for you" Oh but how cruel it would almost be to not go, to leave him standing outside in the alleyway until it was far too late and far too dark for anyone, Anthony included, to even be outside.

Maybe he would come to his house again, and just find Anthony sitting on the floor of his bedroom and be even more hurt than he already was. What would Anthony even say then? What would his excuse for staying there and not even making the slightest effort to go be? How would he even explain to the person that he's supposed to love more than anything else that he's not even sure he wants to be around him anymore? That he had purposely stayed home in order to avoid him, but only because it was better for everyone this way. It would be, and maybe he would understand that.

It would still be cruel, much too cruel, and Anthony was far too sensitive and soft even now to ever do that to anyone, never mind his own husband "I'll be waiting for you" he wondered how long he had already been waiting for, or whether or not he had already given up and went back inside where he should be. The sky was already turning darker, which only meant that it was going to get colder outside, so Anthony couldn't blame him if he had already given up on him, the same way everyone else has and would again if given an opportunity.

Anthony shuddered slightly as he pulled his sweater *Five's sweater* closer to his body while he walked down the almost empty street. The cooler breeze contrasted against the warm weather that he had been in all day. There was nothing more he wanted than to just turn back around and walk back to his home, forget about everything and leave that entire part of his life behind him for good.

But that would be cruel. Anthony couldn't do that to anyone he loved as much as he loved Five. Was there even anyone he loved as much as Five? Maybe. But when he thought of the people he loves, his name was the first one in his mind, so he guessed that must've meant something.

While he walked he had almost forgot his earlier encounter with the Swedes only a couple hours earlier, and how they could still possibly be out somewhere looking for him. The only reminder he got was the pain in the back of his head, and the pain whenever he moved his jaw from where they had just hit him over and over and over again. He just wanted to go home and cry right now.

But as Anthony turned the corner, as soon as he saw him just standing here he felt almost every single emotion in his body just leaving him completely on the spot. He felt as if his whole body could just collapse at any given moment. He didn't know if he wanted to cry, yell at him or even fucking kill him. Maybe he wanted to do all three, and maybe he would do all three, but the one thing he knew he wanted to do was fulfill the sudden urge he had gotten to just hug him.

He wanted to hug him, hold him, kiss him, do absolutely everything to him, but most importantly just pull him close and never let go. He wanted to touch his face, run his hands through his hair, wrap his arms around his waist, lay his head on his chest and listen to that steady thump of the heartbeat that he had missed hearing so much. He couldn't believe just seconds ago he was doubting himself and his entire life with Five.