illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

forty five

chapter forty five: all of you, all of me intertwined

The previous four months of Number Five's life had practically been a new type of hell for him, after he had lost of the one real thing he had ever really known and the only person he ever truly loved. He was paralyzed, frozen, stuck in the exact same position he had been in for months now, and he just had to watch as everyone around him, even Anthony, moved on without him.

It had been a long, boring and treacherous few months at the Commission for him; he had never been this lonely in years, and hadn't felt such a loss or grief in such a long time that he had almost forgotten what the feeling even felt like. He honestly didn't even realize it was possible to miss a person who wasn't physically gone this much, it hurt more to know that Anthony was so physically close yet so mentally far away from him.

Five had a lot of regrets in his life, but the night he had let Anthony walk out of that door had to be close to the top of his list. The look on his husband's face is what haunted him the most; the evident fear and the literal heartbreak that he was clearly feeling in that moment. He was haunted by the look in the eyes that would've loved him for a lifetime that he had pushed away and left behind in that room.

He had spent countless nights awake wondering if he had truly dodged a bullet or whether or not he had quite literally lost the love of his life.

And he had. He had grown more aware of it as the time went on, more aware of the fact that he really did love Anthony more than anything, and also becoming aware of the fact that it was his fault that they weren't together anymore. Five didn't like taking the fall for anything, but he knew that it wasn't possible to blame anyone but himself. It wasn't right the way everything had gone down, but he was well aware of that by now.

It was stupid when he really thought about; stupid, pathetic, tragic, and overall just sad. That's exactly what Five was and still is, in his mind anyway. He didn't fully understand why he felt the need to run from his feelings, why he couldn't bring himself to tell the man he loved just how much he loved him and why he couldn't even tell him the truth.

Five supposed he wasn't entirely sure what love felt like, because surely he had always loved Anthony, right? If he hadn't, then why had he been doing everything in his reach to keep them together and keep it all hidden from everyone else, to risk everything he had just for one person.

Maybe it was better off if they weren't together anymore, and maybe it was the only way that Five could really keep Anthony safe. That's what it all really was about, right? He supposed that was his main goal, because as long as Anthony was safe than he had a lot less problems to worry about.

In his mind, if he could just keep Anthony out of the entire apocalypse situation than everything would be fine. Five decided it was best to just accept that they could never live the life they wanted, and that he would have to make sacrifices in order to safe the world and his siblings, and unfortunately his husband seemed to be one of those.

Despite those thoughts, Five had called, texted, even showed up on his doorstep multiple times to try and explain himself, to try and fix everything and just genuinely apologize. Anthony never gave into him, which he was probably right not to. So eventually, Five knew that he just had to move on as well

He had had a plan; he was going to abandon his job on the grassy knoll and make the jump the forward to 2019, which he knew he could do since he finally had figured out the correct calculations. He would then find his siblings as soon as he landed just to make sure they were okay and then he would stop the apocalypse once and for all.