Love never dies

▪︎ 24 ▪︎

I honestly can't believe that it's July already. I'm having mixed feelings about this month. It's the worst month of the year and a fun month. Worst because the love of my life disappeared into the ocean on the night that I was going to propose to her. Fun because Ryan was born almost two years ago. He's the best thing that happened to me, I love my son to the moon and back. He definitely makes the month of July a little easier for me to endure. 

Thinking about Ryan's birthday is stressful in it's own way. My little boy deserves the world but I can't give it to him. I don't have a lot of money to buy him expensive toys and it makes me feel like a failure. Emma, Liam, Kara and my siblings all wanted to spoil him on previous birthdays with a big party, new toys and stuffed animals, but I wouldn't let them. He was too young to remember it anyway. That was my excuse for last year too. I'm very well known for being stubborn and proud. Last year they all tried really hard to talk me into letting them do everything to celebrate Ryan's first birthday and I kind of snapped at them. I feel bad about that and apologized later on for my outburst. I knew why I snapped and they knew that too, after I explained. Last year I didn't feel like celebrating when the person I want to enjoy it with is missing. And this year isn't different for me. Why should I celebrate life without the love of my life? Beca is still missing and I want her here with me and Ryan. 

Last year Ryan and I spend July 31st alone. My siblings and Beca's would stop by to see us and wish Ryan a happy birthday. They brought the presents that had already been approved by me. My genius son always loved the presents and always knows that his birthday is also a sad day for me. He doesn't understand why, but seeing me sad, he always gives me extra hugs and kisses. Like he tells me that he's here for me. 

This year though, the gang has persuade me into letting them throw Ryan a birthday party. Turning two is a big deal and I know that, but it doesn't feel right to celebrate without Beca. Chicago is also in on it and he's paying for half of it. That Chicago is helping out means a lot to me. He's Ryan's father and is taking the responsibility for it. I mean, he only sees our son twice a year and Ryan doesn't even know him that well, but when I need Chicago to help me out for something for Ryan, he always helps out. I'm not sure how Ryan sees his father, but I think he thinks of Chicago as a friend of me that takes him out to places twice a year. I can't really blame Chicago, he's just doing his job, but sometimes I feel like Ryan needs more than me. 

Today Emma, Liam and Kara are coming over and we're going to tell Ryan about his party. I've acted normal all morning and afternoon, so Ryan doesn't suspect that something is happening.

The three musketeers will be here any second, with some food for all of us. As soon as I open the door, Ryan jumps up and Liam catches him. The two run off to play a little and I let them eat together in the living room while Emma, Kara and I sit down in the kitchen. They both thank me again for agreeing to let them do something this year. They also assure me that my siblings are helping out too. The six of them have already been discussing it over video chat. Not very surprising, they want to include Ryan in the planning and so we schedule a video chat with everyone where they can ask him what he wants at his party, within reason of course. 

After dinner, I call Ryan into the kitchen where my son insist on sitting with his uncle. Emma takes charge on telling the news.

,,Hey Ry, your birthday is coming up and we're thinking about throwing you a party. Would you like that?" 

,,Really? I get a party, just for me?" My little guy asks with wide happy eyes.

,,Yes sweety, just for you. We'll all be there, plus your uncle Noah, aunt Gwen and little James." I say now, smiling softly. 

,,What about my other aunts? They come?" Aw, Ryan doesn't want to leave anyone he loves out.

,,Of course they can. I bet aunt Amy, Aubrey and Emily can't wait to see you. We'll invite them right after we know more about it." Emma says for me.