Love for Rent

x Not Pretending x

'You're here' Shahzaib looked surprised when he saw me outside his apartment in the upper-class area in Karachi. I wasn't expecting him to live in a place like this. Of course, he could afford to live in a place like this, but I always thought he lived in a more lived-in place. He was dressed in his usual outfit, a plain black button-down shirt, cargo pants, and bare feet. He didn't wear slippers in the house, which I always found funny for some reason. He seemed in a better mood now, a bit calm, but there was still some sign of frustration in his eyes. I gave him a questioning glare to check if he planned to keep me outside. He moved out of the way and let me in.

'It's empty' I looked around and saw not one piece of furniture in the house.

'I bought it two days ago,' I heard him say, and I turned to face him.

'Where were you living before?' I never bothered asking him about it before.

'Jaan for a while, then I went to Islamabad before I was in DHA,' He told me. I took off my sandals and sat on the marble floor and gazed up at him, waiting for him to join me. He sat in front of me; our knees were almost touching. His eyes followed mine, and he almost noticed how close we were sitting before contacting my eyes once again.

'How's your mom?' He checked.

'She's gotten weaker' I dropped my gaze from his stare; it felt like he was not looking at me but looking into me. Despite being in this large apartment, being with him behind closed doors felt intimate.

'Did you sleep here last night?' I inquired when he rubbed his neck in discomfort. He nodded, and a silence fell between again. We both avoided talking about the most critical part.

'Shahzaib,' I started and finally gathered the courage to look at him, finally returning his gaze. He looked like I hurt him.

'I am sorry,' I confessed to him. I was ready to tell him everything. I spent too much time thinking about everything that had happened, and I knew the only to make him understand him was to say to him about me.

'I have to tell you something' I felt my body getting warm because of nervousness.

'If it's about last night and what I said, know that I didn't mean it,' He said quickly before I could say anything.

'What?' I asked with confusion.

'Not all of it, just the part where I said the deal is off...I can't let you go.' He stated with conviction.

'Please listen to me first...' I tried again.

'First, tell me, you won't leave me, right? You won't break my heart, right?' His voice got low when he asked me that.

'Shahzaib, please listen to me first...it's very important. If I don't tell you about me now, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you. I need your attention to hear me' I looked at my fidgeting hands, fighting every nerve in my being that was telling me to keep this lie going, to not share my truths with him, but I couldn't keep this deception going for any longer, especially after last night and all that he said to me. I couldn't sleep, eat, behave normally because of him. He was everywhere when he was not near me. He felt like he was as close to me as the air.

'You have always had my attention' He took my hands in his as he leaned in closer, and I got breathless.

'Ma is not real mother Shahzaib, I don't know about my parents. I was five years old when I found out my real mother had died. My father, whomever he was, got my mother pregnant and abandoned her, and my mother left me with Ma, who was a friend of my biological mother. I am an illegitimate child Shahzaib. I don't know who I am. I am empty.' He didn't even blink as I talked, looking straight into my eyes.

'Does this suppose to scare me?' He dipped his head down, getting closer to my face. The expression on his face didn't give much away, only that he was serious.

'Is there anything else you would like to tell me?' He asked me.

'We can't be together. There is too much distance, the difference between us, remember I told you once that love is a luxury I can't afford, I still mean it...I can't love you Shahzaib, it'll ruin me,' I whispered.

'Why do you think that? Believe me, marriage was out of the question for me, but I want to do this with you, Seher, I want to be yours, and I want you to belong to me...I want to have this life with you knowing that we picked each other' Something in my chest constricted as he spoke.

'Did you hear what I said about my family? I am a bastard Shahzaib, I have never seen one marriage in my life, I have only had bad experience...trust me I won't be good to you, I don't want to hurt you.' I lifted my head and moved, so I could cup his face.

'The only way you'll hurt me is if you leave me' His voice was unspeakably soft. I found myself suddenly unsure of what to say when I realized how close he had gotten. I was about to move back to separate us when he took my hands that dropped from his face. His thumbs circled around on the back of my hand when he pulled me back towards him.

'You are not empty, Seher, you completed me...how can you be empty? I want to drown in your world Seher, just let me in' His mouth came close, making my heart tripped. I was utterly unprepared for this part. I opened my mouth and closed it as I tried to find something to say.

'I want to use my favor' He brought it up as he breathed into my skin. This was insanity.

'What do you want?' My chest tightened. In a swift move, he moved me from the floor to his lap caught a glimpse of him, staring at me curiously.

'What?' I asked in a shaky whisper.

'Tell me we are not pretending anymore,' He asked me in a demanding tone as I eyed him. We looked at each other in silence, and I was contemplating. I was putting my trust, love, self-respect, truth, and whole self at risk for this man.

'We are not pretending anymore, Shahzaib,' I repeated after him. He closed his eyes as soon as I said that, and I looked at his face, knowing that I would never forget this. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his chest, finally feeling alive again. I took a deep breath and held him tightly, afraid that if I opened my eyes, he'd disappear. But that fear got pushed to the side when I felt his lips on my forehead before he rested his chin on my face and took a breath of relief like me. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy New Year Baddies!

Hope you all have a great year ahead, lots of love :)