Namjoon's Chance • KNJ

Eighteen

The next six weeks continued in a pattern that kept your head above water. Mornings and afternoons with Jackson, holding his hand, talking to him quietly saying things you'd wish you had more time to say. Most of them where even his parents kept their distance or held their tongues. Evenings and nights with Joon, early mornings waking in his arms. Sometimes you held him too tightly, kissed him too many times.

You tried to ignore two things when you were with Jackson; his twice weekly morning meetings with his secret visitor, and the fact that day over day he grew weaker. Some days he exchanged only a handful of words the entire day, and more frequently he just slept. You sat watching the sunlight dance across his face, thin and barely recognizable to anyone who'd not lived through the last year watching him incrementally fade away over time.

At first you'd gone to great lengths to avoid seeing Jackson when Joon was around, but then you'd both panicked and thought that looked more suspicious. Joon started showing up random times, intersecting with your hours, sometimes not. His BTS schedule dictating most of his time, there were nights you slept alone again, but the memory of how he warmed your bed pushed you forward.

You'd not spoken another word about your feelings for each other, but the truth was you were in love with him. The familiar feeling from years ago striking you every time he was in the same room with you. That realization brought intense feelings of guilt, how was it possible to love two men at once? How could you possibly be happy without Jackson? You still knew that the outcome would be nothing but heartbreak for you both.

How could you ever be with Joon? What were people going to say if they found out that you were dating in the future? Your friends and family would all assume you'd not been loyal to Jackson or that you were glad he was out of the way.

The truth was different, and more painful. You loved Joon desperately but you'd give him up if Jackson could be alright. You'd trade a lifetime with Joon for just one year where Jackson was healthy again. You walked down the aisle to him, you planted your future in the extraordinary love you had for him, not your best friend. You wanted the life you were promised not the life you'd tripped and fallen into and that made you feel guilty over Joon.

"I'll see you at eleven tomorrow darling, I love you." You'd gathered your things tucking them into your bag then leaned over Jackson kissing his cheeks gently. You pushed your feelings low ignoring the time you'd promised to see him.

"Aein?" You froze hearing his voice he'd not spoken in hours or responded to anything you'd said most of the day. Jackson opened his dark eyes slowly, red rimmed and watery.

"Hmm?" You brushed your fingers across the papery skin of this arm.

"I love you and whoever is making you happier, I'm not jealous." Jackson's smile was tired but you could tell he wasn't forcing it.

"I've been spending lots of time with friends when I leave here, staying distracted. It is helping." Don't deny, don't protest, Jackson looked as if he didn't believe you. You tried not to look out the corner of your eye to his father, his mother hadn't arrived yet thankfully. She would be like a hawk absorbing every word making them toxic.

"Maybe you should have done that earlier. Joon says you're like yourself again." You shrugged and sighed thinking of a response.

"We all deal in our own ways. I can't have you worried about me rolling up every morning looking broken." You kissed his cheek again and stroked his arm. "Rest, I'll see you tomorrow." When Jackson's eyes closed once more you say goodnight to his father and left.

~

YN: Why did you tell Jackson I'm like myself again?

KN: I said you'd been taking care of yourself lately when he said you looked happier that's all