Namjoon's Chance • KNJ

Thirty

How had Jackson known about Joon way back then? You hadn't even realized his feelings until recently. You'd suspected Jackson knew at the end but before his surgery? Guilt plummeted into your stomach as strongly as if he'd caught you cheating.

"I stole you from Joonie, but by the time I realized what I'd done there was no way to give you up. So if you find each other again, know that I would have wanted it, because there's no one who will treat you better than our best friend." Some of the tension ebbed at his words.

You wiped tears from your eyes looking up at Joon, his face pinched in concern. You laid your head against his chest once more focused on the recording and his warmth.

"Enough about that six foot wife stealer," Jackson chuckled and it made you smile, "when the time is right call Yoongi-ah he knows what I want to do with all of my remaining music. I'm sorry I can't tell you right now what that moment will be, but Aein you'll know it when it arrives."

All happiness was slipping from his tone and you wanted to bring it back, the stark reality that this was just a recording hitting you. The things he said could never be changed, you could never respond.

You frowned, you'd not seen anything when you'd skimmed his will about anything other than his album. You made a mental note to sit down with Yoongi when you got home even if that wasn't the direction.

"There's so much more I could say but I think I'm going to go spend time with my gorgeous wife. She's making dinner and waiting for me right now." Jackson took a long slow breath. "Remember we were happy together. Let go of everything else that happened to us Aein."

The tape ended and you choked back a sob, you wanted to rewind the tape and bring him back. You also wanted to never listen to another. You pulled the earbuds out, deciding you didn't have the stomach for more.

"He knew Joon. About your feelings." You looked up at him and he nodded slightly his palm brushing your cheek, wiping away the wet tears.

"At a party about five months after you'd started dating he caught me staring at you. He asked me if I had feelings for you. I admitted it, maybe because of the alcohol but more likely I wanted to upset him because I was jealous."

You shifted from his lap to the couch, the conversation change making you need a little distance. Joon took your hand, clearly still wanting the physical touch.

"Jackson was mad, but not at me. He was mad that I'd never told him after your first meeting, that I'd let him take you from me. He said I should tell you, that as much as he loved you it was the right thing to do. I talked him out of it, I knew you'd choose him, but what if that put doubts in your heads?"Joon was right, you'd have chosen Jackson. Even just two months in you'd have never left his side.

"Did he know about us at the end?" You weren't sure which answer you wanted to hear.

"I went to him right away after we slept together. I told him I'd taken advantage of your feelings in a moment of weakness. He laughed Y/N, the loudest I'd heard in months. He couldn't believe we hadn't even kissed since the night he went to the ER."

"Is that why you never felt any guilt this whole time?" It was like pieces of a complicated puzzle were locking into place, but just the edges. The center was still a misaligned mess.

"Why would I feel guilty when Jackson had given me his blessing? He wasn't threatened by my feelings."

"But the two of you left me to feel guilty?" A storm was building in your chest, how could they have shared that secret and left you outside of it to make yourself sick?

"He told you he wanted you to be happy, that he wasn't jealous of whoever was making you feel better. You chose to not believe him, he tried to let you off the hook, you chose to keep yourself on it." Just like that Joon put out the flame you were trying to light. Jackson had tried to assuage your guilt but you clung to it like it would keep him alive.