Bedroom Whispers

Thoughts

It's in the question, "Why do you do what you do? Why do you make some daring decisions and feel ok about them?"

It is in the answer, my thoughts. My mind. My head."

I have this persistent feeling or thought that I have till 30 to live. At first, the persistence of the thoughts came with a lot of fear. 30? Less than 6 years? And I still have a lot of unaccomplished stuff to do? 30 is just the beginning of life and you say it's the end for me? 30?

The fear was evident and real to me. It kept me numb and on a spot.

After a while, fear gave way to acceptance, and acceptance give way to bravery.

I made a deal with myself. If I had till 30, I'd do whatever I wanted to do, and do live to my soul's content without interference of FEAR and GUILT.

These two emotions, being the major driving forces in my life before then, I decided to drown them out. This new phase of life was going to require a new person (or an evolved person).

Of the many things I grew up with, religion was the strongest and has the most gripping hold on my actions and decisions. Thus, the first thing I did was to give myself wholly to it and pour everything of me into its inquisition.

Upon emptying my system of the urge and need for a god of right and wrong, I damned the whole notion altogether. That was the first of many chains to break.

Religion thrives on guilt and fear. There is a third thing of shame (but this is hinged on fear too; the fear of what people would think or say about me.)

Having damned religion, I needed to damn the next biggest influencers of my previous life. Parents.

The war ( for that was/is what it was/is) against parents was not necessarily a war against their personhood but against their ideologies which stood in sharp contrast and conflict with my development frame of references.

I'm distracted. Can't keep up with my thoughts. I'll just leave it at this till it resurfaces.