Bedroom Whispers

LETTER TO MY SIBLINGS

Introspection produces clarity.

All the pieces now seem to come together. I can now fathom a connecting line.

This letter to my siblings was sent on the 12th of April, 2020. I titled it "My Path". It, however, took me several weeks to draft it, which explains the first line of the letter. I started the first draft when they were away from home.

I had lots of meditations, introspections, logical and emotional back-and-forths,  and I finally came out with the final draft.

I was under my dad's roof, with the whole family around, so you can imagine the readily available disturbances.

This is my journey. And I accept it.

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MY PATH

I would have loved to see y'all in person to explain all there is to the man I'm becoming. I'm changing. Rapidly. And I feel I should, of necessity, take you along, or at least intimate you of my progress, and most importantly, my reasons for choosing to be who I'll be.

I feel that once the 'why' has been established, the questions faced would have a less stinging effect. Besides, the best we can do for ourselves and humanity in general, in my opinion, is to understand our 'whys'. That way, there'll be less judging, fewer regrets, and less hate to go round the block.

My job. I'll start from there. I remember trying to reach y'all before taking the final decision. As at the point I reached out, my resignation letter was still sitting in my draft folder. This was because I wanted to be sure I had all parties at stake in view before dealing my card. Here's the full gist of the resignation.

There's no one single reason as the decision reached was a convergence of different factors, the most important of them all being my life.

I quit because I wanted to STAY ALIVE. I don't know how best to put this in perspective but I'll do the literary possible best.

It's been studied over time and research is still ongoing that there are people who are prone to take in the energies of other people around them. I call them energy receptors/receivers. You may not believe it, you may not understand it, but I'm that kind of person.

I started the job and had a long term plan on working with them. I had planned to move into my apartment by January, planned to soft things up for us all (over 200k/month is damn huge money in this economy), planned to ease off stress from Dad and Mom, and even started making settling down plans in Abia.

The land is pretty cheap there. To build a house there be like moi-moi. I even had a lawyer friend and son of the soil to aid me through the journey if and when I wanted to start.

But early on in life, my priority has always been my mental balance first. A month into the job, I started developing some serious health issues. I'd be working and suddenly feel sharp pains in my chest region. This would stay sometimes as long as 30 minutes to an hour. Other times, my heart would pump as though I just ran a marathon/sprint and it would beat this way for long hours. I found temporary relief by sometimes locking up myself in the toilet for minutes.

As simple as this sounds, it affected my eating habits, my functioning capacity (focus, attention, planning etc), and the straw that broke the camel's back, my sleep. I became alarmed when I would wake at 3-4 am with my heart pounding severely and stay that way till dawn. This sounds normal until you find out that I was not getting sleep till around 1 am. With my sleep affected, you can imagine what the day would look like.