My Bucky

Chapter 19

I've given up on standing in the window waiting. If I can go in when she's awake I can be there now. The entire rule is ridiculous anyway. If I was in her shoes, I'd prefer to see a familiar face upon waking up, not some doctor. I push the door open and the nurse standing in the room jumps. "I'm just going to sit." I point to the chair in the corner. "Don't speak. If you wake her over this ridiculous rule you won't like me." I threaten. The woman doesn't speak. Instead she turns back around and continues to do her job. I believe she is supposed to be monitoring something but I don't care enough to ask.

It takes every ounce of self control that I have not to move the chair closer to the bed and hold her hand. The doctor told me she'd be up within an hour and here I am still waiting three hours later.

If I saw him again I'd confront him but I haven't seen him since our talk in the hall. Every minute that she's still asleep is another minute of complete panic in my head. The panic tries to turn into anger but I ignore that part of me. It won't get me anywhere right now anyway.

I'm most definitely impatient now. She went in for surgery at 4:30 this morning and now we're pushing noon. Eight hours of this mental torture is enough to make anyone go insane. Not seeing her smile or hearing her voice for this long is killing me after being separated. Not that I've made it obvious that I missed her. I think I might have given the opposite impression truthfully.

My life as the Winter Soldier I only ever spoke to report how my missions went. Seventy years of no social interaction really makes you forget how often people really talk. Not to mention I'm suddenly experiencing emotions. I can't even remember the last time I felt something other than anger. Seeing this girl lay in front of me and feeling the complete opposite of anger really confuses me more than anything. How would I even put that into words?

Would I say I love her? Probably not. I've known her for a little over a month and she's suddenly become the center of my universe but love is strong. Not that whatever I feel toward her isn't overwhelmingly strong. It's just a strange feeling that I'm not used to. Plus I enjoy her company. She tries her hardest to include me in things and make me happy and I absolutely adore that side of her. But as far as I can remember I've never loved anyone. And I don't think I'll ever be truly capable of feeling love. Especially not while the Winter Soldier still resides in my head.

I'm pulled from my thoughts when I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Her left hand moves up to her face and rubs her eyes. "The pancake." She says sleepily.

The random mumbling immediately makes me smile. "Good morning." I say softly. Her head snaps in my direction and her brown eyes go wide. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." I say equally as soft.

She blinks a few times and the fear slowly leaves her eyes. "I thought you were someone else." She lets out a sigh of relief.

"Unfortunately they only allow one visitor and I've fought anyone else who tries." I joke, adding a smile to assure that she knows I'm joking.

"No I knew it was you but I just thought it was..." she trails off. She lifts the blanket off of her and inspects the bandages along her size. "What does it look like?" She asks trying to peel them off.

I quickly stand and gently grab her wrist, just enough to stop her. "I don't think you should do that." I try my hardest to be nice. I don't want her to take any of my actions wrong and assume I don't care about her.

"Okay." She agrees without argument and twists her hand to hold mine.

I crouch down so that she doesn't have to look up to see me. "Does it hurt?" I ask.

"Only a little." She smiles weakly.

"You don't have to act tough in front of me." I gently push her hair back out of her face.

"Maybe a bit more than a little." She lies again.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "This is my fault. They wouldn't have hurt you if they weren't trying to get to me." I frown. How could I let this happen?

"You did nothing wrong." She puts her other hand on top of mine. "If I could go back to the day we met I wouldn't do a single thing differently."

"You'll never have to be tortured for me again. I promise." I whisper leaning my forehead to rest against hers.

"I'd do it every time for you." She whispers back.

In this moment I know she cares about me more than she should. Instead of pulling away like I should I soak it up. I'm selfish but I can't help myself. The way she looks at me like I'm the only thing that matters is enough for me.

Only Becca would be recovering from being stabbed and take the time to comfort someone else. If I lost her there would never be anyone as understanding and sweet as her. Keeping her to myself and away from the rest of the world is wrong. Then again, when have I been known to do the right thing? I am the Winter Soldier after all.