My Bucky

Chapter 45

I pick up the crumpled paper and walk into the bathroom. I gently begin to unfold it as I stand in front the the mirror. I don't feel ready for this but every part of me knows I have to do this. When the letter is flat again I sit against the door. If I continued to stand and shake like this I'd pass out. Through my shaky hands I begin to read the note that I should have read so long ago.

Hey Doll,

If you're reading this that means you have my jacket. I left it for you to remember me by. Leaving you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I couldn't have picked a worse time. You need me right now and I have to walk away from you. I'm writing this as you sit in your room refusing to speak. I'm sorry I hurt you baby. I never want to hurt you again and that's why I have to go. When you told me you loved me something snapped inside me. I want you to love me but the fact that I tried to kill you means you shouldn't. If you can still love me after that I'll be the happiest man alive. My actions won't show it though. That's why I'm writing you this letter. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss laying in bed with you. I miss talking about stupid movie theories. I miss the way you always trusted me. I don't deserve that trust anymore but I hope one day you can trust me again. Tony discussed this whole thing with the Wakandans and they think they could help me get rid of the Soldier for good. If he's gone I can love you. I can be next to you every night without fear that I'll hurt you. Maybe one day I can marry you and buy you a puppy and a house and we can have two kids. One boy and one girl. And that boy will be the best big brother you could imagine. We can have a family together if you choose to forgive me. But I don't expect you to. I wouldn't forgive me for what I've done. Not only did I hurt you but I'm the reason your mom is gone. And you made the hardest decision that you never should've had to make. You killed your dad to protect me and no amount of words will ever begin to explain how thankful I am that you chose me over him. I was talking with Steve and he made me realize a few things. Doll, I love you. From the moment you invited me into your house I was yours. I never want to be with anyone else like I am with you. You accept me for who I am and have shown me a love I don't deserve. I won't be able to tell you this before I leave. If I do you'll convince me to stay. So I hope that this letter finds you before you've given up on me completely. I don't deserve you. But if you'll have me I'll never go anywhere again. Rebecca I love you. I want you to be Rebecca Barnes one day. A whole new person who's invincible. A person true to herself. My wife. You're everything to me.

Love,

Your Bucky<3

P.S. that is supposed to be a heart. Steve says it's what you guys do these days but it seems strange. He didn't help me write this by the way. He just saw me sign it and peer pressured me into putting that there. I'd erase it but it's written with pen. Anyway, I love you more than words can explain and I hope it's not too late for us.

I reread the letter over and over until it's nearly memorized.

Bucky loves me.

James Buchanan Barnes loves me.

I can't believe it. How could he love me? I'm a mess all the time. How could someone with so much life experience fall in love with plain old me?

Nat knocks on the bathroom door that I'm leaning against, causing me to jump. "Everything okay in there?" She asks.

I swallow the lump in my throat. "Yes. I'm just not feeling well. If you could go get Steve for me that would be great."

"Steve and Sam already left for Wakanda." She tells me.

"Oh." I sigh. "Tony then."

"No problem." I listen as her footsteps grow feint.

Once I'm sure she's gone I step out of the bathroom and begin to pace through my room. I have to go to Wakanda. I have to see him. I have to know if he still loves me and tell him that I still love him. I have to show him that he's my everything too.

After a few moments my doorway is occupied by Tony Stark himself. I stop pacing and make my way over so I'm standing in front of him. "Tony..." I begin.