The Story of Us (Fili/The Hobbit)

38. Nightingale

*Eleanor's POV*

I can't take this anymore.

If they think I'm going to allow myself to be stuck inside a wide, yet seemingly stuffy room, then they are mistaken. I don't care if I can't be walking around. I need to find him. I need to find Fili. They don't let him see me as often as they used to. But they don't know I desperately need him. Sleeping is difficult when your mind is full of thoughts. And not just any random ones. No but those sickening, tormenting thoughts that haunt me every night. Nightmares have been taking over my dreams. I wake up, completely shaken up and terrified. My heart would feel like the thrumming wings of a caged bird. I would always end up wiping the perspiration from my brow with shaking hands. I would have to fight back the desire to go to Fili. I can do this, I said to myself. I can do this. It was only until these nightmares got worse and worse when I realized I could not. It was only his comfort and words that could soothe me. I can't stress how much this battle has affected me.

And destroyed me.

Not just in my sleep, but in my waking hours. These demons will not quit looming over my mind and taunting me with their malicious deeds, not until they finally do their job of breaking me and dragging me down with them. Looks like they are getting what they want. Images of Kili and Thorin replay nonstop in my mind, filling my heart with guilt. Voices echo in my mind, blaming me for their deaths. Frequently. Constantly. All day. It kills me that I couldn't help them. It pains me more than it should. The weight of it lies on my shoulder, occasionally not allowing me to breathe. My sanity hangs by a thread.

I spent hours walking, well limping, through the passageways of Erebor. Silently padding my feet, I realized it was fruitless to search for him. He could be anywhere. After all, Erebor is a huge place, filled with countless rooms and halls beneath halls. Sighing in defeat, I turned around and began to limp back to the healing hall. The sounds of footsteps rapidly beating on the floor ring in my ears and I panic. I am in big trouble. I close my eyes and await for whoever it is to start yelling at me. But to my relief it was the one I was looking for. Fili appeared from the corner of the passageway, looking immensely frantic.
I turned my head so he wouldn't see my face. I bet I looked absolutely horrid, plus, I didn't want him to worry about me--I could do so myself. It wasn't that long ago that I looked in the mirror, bags were formed under my eyes from not sleeping, my cheeks stained with tears and dirt, and my features were overall hopelessly forlorn.
"Oin had informed me you left the healing hall. What are you doing up? It's past ten already, you should be resting."

I felt ashamed of being up. I wasn't suppose to be walking around in my condition. I knew that perfectly well, and yet I still did it. I was still healing. I am not as bad as before, but that didn't change anything. I couldn't be wandering the halls, especially not by myself. I kept my eyes downcast, not meeting his eyes.
"I-I was looking for you." I mumbled.

Fili sighed. He walked up to me and put his hand on my lower back, gesturing for me to follow him. "Come on, let me walk you back to the healing hall."
Tears began to cloud my vision. My hands trembled as I shook my head hysterically. I pulled myself out of his grasp. "No, please! Don't take me back there! Don't take me back! I can't take it anymore! I can't! I just can't!" I pleaded over and over again. Despite the pain I felt, I leaned over the wall on my shoulder with my hand over my mouth, my body wracked with sobs.
I felt the comforting hands of Fili wrap around me for a couple of minutes whilst I cried. Afterwards, he broke the silence. He brushed him thumb across my cheek, wiping away a tear. "Come on, I won't take you back. I promise." With one arm across my back, he lead me the opposite direction, down the passageways until we reached the corridors of the royal chambers.

He opened the door to what I believe is his own chamber, revealing the main room that was adjoined with the bedroom. Carefully, he sat me down on the bed and hurried off to the bathroom. I heard the sound of water running and I knew he was preparing a bath for me. By this time, I had calmed down. My body was aching terribly. I wasn't use to being up and moving this much since the battle. A bath seemed wonderful to soothe my aching limbs. Besides, I was still in my dirty, torn up clothing from before. I definitely needed to clean up.