The Story of Us (Fili/The Hobbit)

39. Bilbo's Departure

I silently made my way through Erebor, waking up with the absence of Fili. Where could he have possibly gone this time, I thought to myself. I woke up rather content than usual. No nightmares. Nothing. If it wasn't for that, I bet I wouldn't have gotten up in the first place. I had some of my strength back, but still felt the feeling of losing it again and breaking entirely. In a way though, I was feeling whole again. Like how I did before this all occurred. I hated what this battle did to Fili and I. He isn't the kind to really show his emotions. But I could tell what's going on just by looking at his eyes. I could tell he still suffers with the loss of his brother. How it weighs heavily on his heart. How his features quickly fall in the mention of his name, his other half.

No one other than Fili has seen me in a while. As much as I wanted to shut myself out from the world, I knew I couldn't. Though I wasn't ready to face up to anyone else, nor did I want to. But I had taken my time in making myself presentable, all kinds of Dwarves would be roaming these halls. I had to admit, I did fear stepping out into the open for everyone to see me. I'm not exactly what they expect to see. They expect to see a strong, determined Dwarf woman that doesn't let anything take her down. But I'm not that. I'm half Elf, someone who is taking it step by step, day by day to repair herself. I dreaded to be seen by others. But what options do I have? To stay hidden from others even more than I already have in my days of staying in the Healing Hall?I don't think so.

From a distance, I heard the joyful laughs and deep voices of Dwarves. I knew I was getting near the Great Hall, where most things took place. I wonder what was all the commotion. I ran my fingers along the cold, marble wall as I peered ahead of me. I listened closely to the voices, already hearing two familiar ones within the large crowd. I was relieved when I finally stepped out, no one bothered to look at me. I took a deep breath to calm myself, my palms had already gotten moist from keeping them tightly closed. I wiped them on the comfortable fitted dark green dress I had put on and proceeded towards my betrothed and my fellow companion.
"Good morning," I greeted Fili and Balin with the widest grin I could manage. They both said it back whilst a smile covered their features.
"It's great to see you, lass! I see you have made a remarkable recovery. It's been a while since any of us have seen you." Balin beamed cheerfully.
"Yes well, despite everything, I am fine now." I stated, even though after I said it, guilt resided deep in my chest, like a large bird settling itself comfortably in its nest. I smiled uneasily, wanting to change the subject. I glanced around to see Dwarves shuffling around and gathering things. Cleaning the area, bringing food and setting it on a large oak table, hanging lanterns, overall giving this place a more festive vibe.
"What is going on here?" I asked no one in particular. "There will be a great feast tonight. Songs will be sung, tales will be told, all about our beloved fallen King and his nephew. I hope you will be able to join us tonight." Balin explained.
Already, a lump settled in my throat. I tried to swallow it back but it simply wouldn't allow me to. I was afraid words wouldn't come out of my mouth if I tried to speak. The dull, empty aching feeling I had before returned and continued to gnaw at my soul. I couldn't control the fall of my features, as if a dark cloud quickly passed over my eyes.

I cleared my throat before answering, "That sounds lovely." I lied. I felt the demon in my mind slowly eating away the only sanity I had left. I thought I had good progress so far, ever since I went to Fili. I didn't realize how fragile that flame of hope I had was.
Balin seemed to notice my change in mood. "Lass, are you all right?" I opened my mouth to answer but before I could say anything, Fili stepped in.
"Balin, would you excuse us for a minute please?" He asked politely to which Balin nodded and continued to order Dwarves to prepare this place for the feast they had in mind.

"Why did you not tell me about this feast that was occurring tonight?" I questioned him, raising an eyebrow.
"I wanted to tell you, but I did not think you were ready to face something like this. If you are then you are more than welcome to join."
"I don't think I'll be able to, Fili."

He sighed before answering. "I completely understand. I won't be forcing you to do something you don't feel comfortable with." However, I saw a small glimmer of hope flash in his eyes. "If it makes things better, my mother will be attending. You'll get to finally meet her!"
Although the thought of meeting Fili's mother sounded absolutely wonderful, I should be attending regardless. It would be considered rude not to. But I just don't know if I can take it, to listen to the stories about Thorin and Kili. To feel the guilt rising up in me continuously, without end.

"I feel this will be good for you, Eleanor. For us. We've been through absolute hell over the past days. You deserve to be happy, even if it's for one night only. That is what I am setting my mind on." He grinned as he quickly pressed his lips on mine.
"Think about it. And don't feel like I'm forcing you to do anything."
I nodded whilst keeping my eyes glued to the floor, fumbling with my fingers.
Shortly after, a familiar figure of a hobbit passed by me, followed by Balin who were both heading for the entrance of Erebor. Bilbo walked solemnly, keeping his head down as the armor he carried swayed against him. It looked as if he packed all of his things together. Was he leaving already? He can't be.
I waited until they were both on the other side, out of sight before I headed towards them with Fili following closely behind me. My quickened steps then turned to running whilst I picked up my dress. I heard Bilbo say he was going to quietly slip away. My heart dropped upon hearing him utter those words. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't. "Could you tell the others I have gone?" The hobbit asked.
I stepped on the rubble of the large hole that was made through Erebor as I stepped around Balin and the rest of the company that gathered around Bilbo. "Why don't you tell them yourself?" Balin announced as Bilbo turned around, meeting our sorrowful yet understanding eyes.
A large smile pulled at Bilbo's lips upon seeing the Company. "If any of you are passing Bag End, tea is at four. You are welcome any time." My heart swelled with joy as I heard his kind words. I couldn't help but to let some tears slip down my cheeks as I smiled widely.
"And don't bother knocking." The hobbit added, causing us all to chuckle.

I walked up to Bilbo and pulled him into a tight embrace. I was sad, yet elated at the same time. Finally this journey, this adventure had come to an end. And it all quickly sunk in me. This particular hobbit that I had sworn to protect with my life was now finally going back to where he belonged. This hobbit that I have believed in since the first time I laid my eyes on him did not fail me or anyone else. I grew so accustomed to Bilbo that even I believed I was not ready to let him go. We both knew he did not want to linger here any longer. For pain of losing a friend or wanting to go home, I did not know. Perhaps both.
I didn't know how long it would be until I see him again, so I held on as long as I could before pulling away and meeting his kind eyes. "Bilbo Baggins, I hope you have a safe trip going back home and know that we will all miss you dearly. I will miss you a lot." I said whilst trying to not let my voice crack while I spoke but failed a couple of times.

Bilbo flashed me a warm smile before replying, "I will miss you too, my friend and companion. We've had many ups and downs in this quest but I'm glad to have been a part of this with you all."
"One day when I show up at your doorstep, you better have not forgotten me." I joked as I wipe a tear from my cheek.
"Oh how could I ever?" He chuckled.
Gandalf stood near a horse and a pony, looking at us before saying, "We must be going now before it gets too late."

"Goodbye Bilbo, for I shall await the day we meet again."

"Farewell my dear Eleanor!" Bilbo waved to me and then to the Company before swinging himself up the pony and taking off along with the gray wizard.

It was as if another part of me had left. And now it was well on its way back to The Shire. I've learned recently that it's hard for me, especially, to accept things. I realized the only thing harder than letting go is moving on. Change is never an easy thing. And I'm talking about the changes we've gone through in general. One part of you wants to let go, knowing its the only thing causing you pain and anguish. However, the other half is begging to hold on. When is it ever all right to hold on though? To hold on to something is only making us think the past is all we have left. Letting go is getting us ready for the future. And yet when we let go, we also must move on. Sulking isn't going to do us any good but result in despair. I only wish that I could actually do these things I had mentioned. Yet, this is all easier said than done.

-------------------------------------
yay I got another chapter done!! Yes I know it's not that good tho and quite dull :/ but thanks for reading anyway!(: and the pic I posted is the dress El is wearing c: