Sunday, February 6th 2022, 9:19 p.m
I've figured it out a little bit i guess. "it" being why I do/react certain ways, especially when it comes to my relationship.
I've realized that the things I thought were special were given away so early on in our relationship, that I get in this very jealous mindspace whenever small things (like nicknames) that I thought were mine/special are given away.
It didn't matter who it was because I thought it was reserved for me exclusively.
Then I always get mad at myself about it, because this is the first time I'm dealing with jealously or issues with my self worth, and I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or feel like they have to help me because they don't.
Every guy I've wanted/has pursued me was Bri's seconds, I started to see myself as not worthy after everything with Mar.
I realized I also tend to hypersexualize myself around him. Maybe in an attempt to make him like me more? Or maybe so he doesn't look away from me and try to get pleasure from someone else.
I struggle with talking about it because I don't want to be like:
"It's all your fault I'm like this now and Im struggling so bad because of the choices you made."
But in a way its true.
If he would've never did anything with Launa for those months, or said all the things he said to/about Bri, basically led Afro bitch on,
I don't think I'd be like this.
Maybe the whole hypersexual shit but honestly I place more blame on what happened with my godbrother for that.
I don't understand why he stays knowing I'm like this. I get snappish, cold, defensive and I don't wanna talk when I get into this jealous headspace. Everything in my head is telling me to just retract and ball up. I'm more traumatized and damaged then I thought and all because of me not wanting pity.
...
Why does he stay?
-J
