Zethu’s death was very sudden and it surprised everyone. She was part of Pride in a way, so the gang mourned her. Her funeral was very dignified but also too emotional. Everyone was crying. I could even see sis Thandeka wanted to cry, she had red eyes but she didn’t let the tears fall. When she was called to the front, she spoke so bravely, her voice full of emotions but she didn’t break down. She stood strong and tall. Jobe was also emotional as he spoke. I understood their pain. I mean I have lived with Rain for a few months but I know how broken I would be should she die. Sis Lwah didn’t even hide her emotions. She cried every chance she got. And I actually commend her for that because crying is a means of releasing the pain inside you. I didn’t go to the cemetery but I heard that Squash lost it when he saw the coffin being lowered to the ground. He screamed so much that bhut Sizwe had to walk away with him to calm him down. They only went back when everyone was gone and Squash managed to say his last goodbyes.
He has completely isolated himself to the world. the only way we know he is alive is that he makes sure to send bhut Sizwe a good morning text every morning and they even call each other, even though he says nothing beyond a cold ‘morning’ every time. Ndabe understands his pain, so he decided that we should go see him so that he can talk to him, even though he knows chances of him responding are slim. He comes to fetch me from the farmhouse and we drive to Squash’s house.
“Are you hungry?” he asks and I huff. I feel myself getting annoyed by his question. Like what the fuck? Do I look hungry or starved to him? Fuck men.
“So that’s what’s going on in your mind? A pregnant woman breathing and suddenly she is hungry. Wow.” I exclaim, dramatically raising my hands in the air and he rolls his eyes.
“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed. No need for the theatrics.” He responds, his tone cool.
“Are you saying I am dramatic because I am voicing out my opinions? Wow, what a fiancé I have.” He chuckles. He seems to be unbothered about my sentiments right now and I am hurt.
“I know that’s not you talking, but the hormones.” I gasp.
“So every time I am being hormonal you are just going to ignore me or make me seem like a fool?” I ask my voice already breaking. He steals a glance at me and frowns immediately.
“Baby, I am sorry. That’s not what I am saying. Don’t twist my words.”
“There you go again, making it all about you.” I fold my arms to my chest and look outside the window, sniffing. I wipe my tears, frustration filling me. He is such an idiot and I hate him.
I feel the car parking but I don’t climb off because we seem to be in a shopping mall. He mumbles something inaudible and kisses my cheek before climbing off the car. He can go fuck himself for all I care. Lindy sends me a text informing me about her upcoming date with Zweli. I am happy for her. I congratulate her and just put on some music. I come across Taylor Swift – look what you made me do. I play it on full blast, ignoring the looks I am receiving from car owners coming to and from the mall.
The car door opens and he puts his head in first, frowning at my choice of music. “Is it safe to come in?” he asks in an amused one and I scoff, rolling my eyes. “I bought a peace offering.” He says handing me a paper bag and a bubblegum milkshake. I give him a stern looking before snatching the paper bag from him and taking the milkshake to place it on the cup holder. He climbs inside the car and starts the engine. My lips betray me by stretching wide when my eyes land on the bar one slice inside the paper bag. I look at him and then take out my slice. That look is a ‘thank you’. He shouldn’t expecting anything more.
“Why did you buy only one? It’s never enough?” I ask already taking a bite and experiencing the unexplainable sensation the cake leaves on my mouth. It’s just delicious, period.
“So you are back to talking to me?” I ignore him and take three bites before covering it. I take my milkshake and drink it. After about 30 minutes of listening to Taylor Swift, we finally get to Squash’s house. The gate opens and we drive in. after killing the engine, we climb off the car. I don’t leave my cake behind. We ring the bell and he opens after a few moments looking like he was run over by a truck. He smells like a brewery, it is taking all in me not to puke right now. He is only wearing sweatpants, nothing else.
“You look ugly and smell like shit.” I blurt out before I can even stop myself and he chuckles. I give him an innocent smile. “Anyways, can we come in?” he laughs a bit before opening the door wide. We enter and all head to the lounge which is surprisingly clean.
“You were expecting it to be filled with bottles?” he asks.
“You read my mind.” We head over there and get settled on the couch.
“I am here to talk to you. Or I can talk and you will listen without responding.” Ndabe states and then looks at me. “Can you excuse us, love?” I scowl but don’t answer. Instead I stand up and head to the kitchen. The lobby is an open plan, so when you’re in the lounge you can see or hear what’s happening in the dining room or kitchen without actually being there. I sit on the car stool and look at them. “I won’t ask how you’re feeling. I know how you feel, I have been there and I always felt like killing whoever asks me how I am, how I am feeling or if I am coping.” Squash nods.
“Today I woke up numb.” Squash states honestly and my heart breaks for him.
“Death can never be easy and you can never prepare for it. Even when your wife is sick with a terminal illness, you always have hope that a miracle will just happen, she will be healed and you will go back to your lives. You never accept the chances of her dying. You look for a second, third or fourth option. Rather exhaust all your options than accepting your life partner is about to leave you.” I can literally feel Ndabe’s pain. It’s like he is reliving his wife’s death.
“Grief consumed me and it actually won. When my wife passed on, I couldn’t handle it. I sent my kids to boarding schools and my mother had to come fetch my last born since I was in no state to live with a child. My life was boobs and booze all day in and out.” Squash chuckles painfully. “I moved into a hotel. You knew how my life was. You remember how I grieved. I knew that if my wife were to see me, she would be so disappointed in me. I had given up in life and I had forsaken out kids. I was the only parent they had left but I was too busy wallowing in my grief to pay any attention to them.” he swallows hard and looks down.
“You are not the one who is supposed to be crying.” Squash states and Ndabe chuckles.
“Anyways, fast forward, I met this amazing woman at a hospital one fateful day. I actually wanted to be a better man, for her, without even knowing her or actually knowing I had a chance with her. I rebuilt my relationship with my kids just because I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I know right now it’s all dark and it seems like you won’t find a way out. Don’t force yourself to heal or move on fast. Grieving is an ongoing process and the wound of losing a life partner, never completely heals. If it does stop bleeding, it gets stitched, closes up but there is always a scar to remind you that you once shared your life with that person.” He squeezes his knee.
“It won’t get better now. In fact it will seem like your life is going backwards. You will find yourself trying so hard to stay afloat but some force will be pulling you down and wanting to drown you and consume you wholly. In that moment, don’t try to forget her. In fact think about her. Make the happy moments you had with her, anchor you to life, pull you out of the dark hole. Tell me about the first time you had the courage to walk up to her and confess your feelings.” Squash chuckles and leans back on the couch. I make quick sandwiches for them and place them on a tray with juice.
“You know how Jobe and his wife loves hosting parties.” They both chuckle. “So this other event, I went there with Sizwe. This beautiful lady walks in carrying trays. She serves us whiskey with a smile and makes small conversation with Sizwe before walking away. That was the first time I saw her.” he smiles but it doesn’t last long. “The next time we met, it was another event. I needed something from the kitchen, so I went there and saw her. She was trying to compose herself. She was actually blushing and mumbling stuff to herself. Till today, I don’t know what she was blushing about. We exchanged greetings before I just straight on asked her out. She gasped but blushed before giving m her number willingly. That was the start of a beautiful journey which ended tragically.”
“Whenever you think of her, try not to think about her ending. Savor the good moments together. Even allow yourself to have wet dreams of her. We grieve differently.” Squash breaks into laughter and Ndabe smiles. I think it’s safe to head to them now. I take the tray and head to them. I place it on the coffee table and go sit closely to Squash.
“Hey, why are you crowding me when you man is right over there?” he asks in an amused tone.
“So I also disgust you? Wow.” I stand dramatically and his eyes pop out.
“Don’t mind her. Her hormones are on overdrive today.” Ndabe says eyeing me with a smirk and I click my tongue before walking out of the room.
YOU ARE READING
My Knight: Dakota's Second Chance
Romanceshe is the one person who hasn't been very lucky when it comes to love matters. but suddenly all that changes when she finds herself pregnant with another man's child and getting involved with another who is way older than her and out of her race. w...
