Hamlet but it's Better

Act One, Scene One

Location: A platform outside the castle

(FRANCISCO is guarding, then BERNARDO, another guard, comes into the room.)

BERNARDO (jumps): Who the hell are you?

FRANCISCO (jumps): Um, excuse me? Who the hell are you?

BERNARDO: ....umm

FRANCISCO: Well, don't think about it too hard.

BERNARDO: ...long live the king?

FRANCISCO (relaxing): Oh. Hey, Bernardo.

BERNARDO: 'Sup, man.

FRANCISCO: Right on time. For once.

BERNARDO: Ah, no hard feelings, Frankie. Go to bed now. My turn.

FRANCISCO: Ah, thanks, man. I really need some time. I feel like crap.

BERNARDO: Oh, that sucks, bro....by the way, you didn't see any...spooky stuff, did you?

FRANCISCO: Don't worry about it. Didn't hear a thing.

BERNARDO: All right. Good night. Oh, and by the way, if you see Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to hurry up, will you?

FRANCISCO: Wait, I think I hear them. (pauses, calling out) Hey, who's there?

(HORATIO and MARCELLUS enter.)

HORATIO: Oh, hey broskis.

MARCELLUS: Ah, if it isn't my fellow loyal Danes.

FRANCISCO (rolls eyes): That's it. I'm out

MARCELLUS: Oh, but we just got here! Who's covering you?

FRANCISCO: Bernardo. Goodbye. (leaves)

MARCELLUS: What's up, Bernardo?

BERNARDO: What's good?....Horatio? What's going on? Are you even here?

HORATIO: That's debatable.

BERNARDO: Oh, hey.

HORATIO: All right, Bernardo. Let me guess. You saw a thing again.

BERNARDO: No, not tonight.

MARCELLUS: Horatio doesn't believe us and he's being a stubborn ass about it. He was being snotty about it and stuff, so I was like, "Fine, you come stand guard tonight. See for yourself."

HORATIO: Nothing is going to happen.

BERNARDO: Okay, okay, if you're such a nonbeliever, why don't you sit down and listen. Marcellus and I have enough stories between us from these two nights than you could dream of.

HORATIO: Fine. I'll just sit down and listen then, Bernardo.

BERNARDO: Fine. So, last night, at like one in the morning, Marcellus and I--

(spooky ghost noises, GHOST enters)

MARCELLUS: What were you saying about it being in our imaginations again, Horatio?

BERNARDO: That's what I was about to say! He looks just like the king!

MARCELLUS: If you're so smart, Horatio, then talk to it. Go ahead and talk to the ghost.

BERNARDO: He does look like the king, Horatio, doesn't he?

HORATIO: What...the...actual...

BERNARDO: I think we should talk to it.

MARCELLUS: Go on, Horatio.

HORATIO (swallows): Oh. Um, all right. (takes deep breath) What are you doing here dressed in a full suit of armor, never mind the dead king of Denmark's full suit of armor, fully living person?

MARCELLUS: I think you hurt its feelings.

BERNARDO: See, it's going away. How do you feel now, Horatio?
HORATIO: Wait, come back! We were going to have a conversation, remember?

(The GHOST leaves)

MARCELLUS: Well, now look at what you've done. It's gone now, and it's not going to talk to you or me or anyone.

BERNARDO: So, Horatio. Just our imaginations, correct? You're looking awfully pale there, friend.

HORATIO: I can't believe it.

MARCELLUS: But didn't it look like the king?

HORATIO: Yeah. That was his armor, all right. Back in the Norwegian War, and in the Polish one too. Super weird.

MARCELLUS: That's the third time, now, and every time it happens exactly now, and we still haven't been able to catch it.

HORATIO: If I were superstitious, I'd say this is a bad omen. I think our country might be in trouble, brochachos.

MARCELLUS: Tell us, what's going on? Everywhere are whispers of war. People are buying cannons, there's marketing for war materials, and the poor shiphands have to work Sunday to Sunday.

HORATIO: Well, even though we just saw the likes of him now, I'm sure you remember when Denmark won that old war. But what you didn't know is that one of the contracts of the war was that whoever won got to have the loser's lands, so now we're dealing with a cocky Norwegian king. But now, we're dealing with Baby King Norway, and he's way worse than his old man. The new Fortinbras has been gathering up his desperadoes, and they're fixing to take back what we won.

BERNARDO: I don't know how it could be anyone except the King.

HORATIO: If I believed in fate, we're fated to be absolutely smoked in this war. (GHOST enters) Whoa! There's the ghost again! Wait, stay here! You have to tell us what to do! (rooster crows) Oh, just stab it, Marcellus.

MARCELLUS: Actually?

HORATIO: Yeah, might as well.

BERNARDO: All right, bet.

MARCELLUS: Bet. (GHOST leaves)

MARCELLUS: And there it goes again. We really did it this time, hurting its feelings like that.

BERNARDO: It was going to talk that time, I know it. Then Marcellus had to go and stab it.

HORATIO: Well, you heard the rooster. It's morning time.

MARCELLUS: (giggles) It is morning, my dudes.

HORATIO: So I suppose we're counting on my dumba$$ friend to save us now. I'm nearly positive Ghost Daddy Hammy will talk to him.

MARCELLUS: I mean, I guess so. (sighs) Let's find him.