Hamlet but it's Better

Act Five, Scene One

Location: wooded area behind the castle

(Enter two TOWNSPEOPLE with shovels)

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Should we bury her in the cemetery, or did she kill herself? Because this is the Renaissance and people who kill themselves don't get marked graves because everything kind of sucks.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: The coroner says to bury her in the cemetery.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: If you say so. But how could a person drown on accident?

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Look, man, I'm just doing what I'm told. I'm not asking any questions.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: There is no way in hell she didn't drown on purpose.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Bro, just stop.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Look, all I'm saying is that it's not like the water went to her. She went to the water. She killed herself, and she's guilty of her own murder.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Is that a real law, or are you making that up right now.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: It's the coroner's own law.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Sweet rot, if she hadn't come from nobility, she'd have been buried without honor.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: See? Now you get it. Burying her this way is basically giving people permission to kill themselves. We gravediggers just continue Adam's work.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Do you suppose Adam was a gentleman?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: The very first, and the very first with arms.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Are you sure that Adam had arms?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Of course Adam had arms, you heathen! Have you ever picked up a Bible in your entire life? If you have no belief in divine purpose, you can go straight to hell.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Now, that's just rude.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Who's the strongest man of all?

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: The man who builds the hanging gallows. His creation lasts through the deaths of thousands.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: I like where your head's at, but you're wrong. So tell me again.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Who's the strongest man of all?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Tell me that, and we can call it a day.

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: Wait. Let me...

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Yes?

SECOND TOWNSPERSON: I have no idea. (Enter HORATIO and HAMLET at a distance)

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Forget about it, half-wit. The answer is a gravedigger. Now, get yourself to a pub, buy a drink for you and one for me too. (Exit SECOND TOWNSPERSON. FIRST TOWNSPERSON begins singing while he digs)

HAMLET: What kind of person can sing while digging a grave?

HORATIO: One that's dug them hundreds of times.

HAMLET: I suppose practice makes...tolerability. (FIRST TOWNSPERSON tosses a skull) Once upon a time, that skull was a person who talked and walked and thought. Who do you think it was?

HORATIO: Uh, no idea.

HAMLET: It could have been a politician, or maybe a courtier.

HORATIO: I suppose so.