Hamlet but it's Better

Act Three, Scene Four

Location: Gertrude's private quarters

(Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS)

POLONIUS: He's going to crack, believe me. All you have to do is tell him you know he's faking and it's been too much to deal with. I'll hide behind this tapestry. Just pretend I'm not here, and don't be afraid to make your move.

HAMLET: (offstage) Mom? I'm here.

GERTRUDE: Hide now, I hear him coming. (POLONIUS hides behind a tapestry, HAMLET enters)

HAMLET: What's popping?

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, you really made your father mad back there.

HAMLET: Mother, you really made my father mad in his grave when you married his weasley brother.

GERTRUDE: Don't you dare speak to me that way.

HAMLET: And don't talk to me like a child, using that wicked tongue of yours.

GERTRUDE: Now, what's that supposed to mean?

HAMLET: What do you mean, "what do you mean?"

GERTRUDE: Have you suddenly forgotten who I am?

HAMLET: You're many things, Mother. The queen, my father's wife and your husband's brother's wife. Once upon a time, you were my mom.

GERTRUDE: I brought you into this world. I can take you back out again.

HAMLET: Sit down and don't move. I'll get you a mirror so you can see the horror that is your soul.

GERTRUDE: What are you going to do, kill me? (pause as they make eye contact) Ohhhh sht! Help! Somebody help!

POLONIUS: (from behind tapestry) I'm coming!

HAMLET: Aha! (draws his knife) Long live the king! (repeatedly stabs through tapestry)

POLONIUS: I am dead now. (dies)

GERTRUDE: What have you done?

HAMLET: Wait. That's not Claudius.

GERTRUDE: Well it doesn't really matter now, does it?

HAMLET: It's only as bad as what you did, now, isn't it?

GERTRUDE: Are you seriously comparing my marriage to murder?

HAMLET: Yes, yes I am. (lifts tapestry to reveal POLONIUS) Don't worry. No one will miss him. And don't act so squeamish. We both know the armor of your heart.

GERTRUDE: What did I ever do to deserve this from you?

HAMLET: You pretended you were in love. You pretended the relationship I came from was worth anything to you. And it didn't.

GERTRUDE: Is that the meaning of the play's prologue? An act of pretending by me?

HAMLET: (pulls photos of DADDY HAMLET and CLAUDIUS down from a frame) This? This was my father, your first husband. He was perfect, a lion amongst housecats, a god among men. This is your new husband. He's a rat. He's a rotter with the naughtiest soul anought. He's got all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile. If I were you, I wouldn't touch him with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole, he's-

GERTRUDE: Oh for crying out loud, shut up already! Look, I get it. I already have to deal with my own mistakes. I don't need you to punish me more for them.

HAMLET: Why? Off to make sweet love in your husband's brother's bed?

GERTRUDE: I said enough!

HAMLET: You married a villain, a murderer, a hornet, a donkey, a bloody, bawdey, brainless-

GERTRUDE: No more!

HAMLET: A clown for a king, that's what we have. King Clownius of- (Enter GHOST). Oh, fcking hell, not again. What do you want?

GERTRUDE: He is out of his mind! Not faking it!

HAMLET: Come to punish your son for not taking revenge fast enough for your liking?

GHOST: Do not forget: this visitation is to whet thy almost blunted purpose. But, look! Amazement on thy mother sits; O! Step between her and her fighting soul; conceit in weakest bodies to strongest works. Speak to her, Hamlet.

HAMLET: What's popping, Mom? Spill all the hot gos.

GERTRUDE: What's...popping? I don't know, son. What's popping with you? You look like hell, by the way. Who are you talking to?

HAMLET: Do you not have eyes, mother?

GERTRUDE: If I didn't have eyes, I could pretend this whole thing never happened.

HAMLET: So you don't see anything.

GERTRUDE: Nothing but my son with the knife he used to kill a family friend in his hand.

HAMLET: And you don't hear anything.

GERTRUDE: Nothing but my son being all sexist and purity culture-like after killing a family friend.

HAMLET: It's the ghost of my father! Look! (Exit GHOST) I swore he was just there.

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, it's all in your head. You're not well, remember?

HAMLET: I'm not crazy! I swear it! The only crazy person in this room is you for not dropping to your knees every second of your day to pray your sins away.

GERTRUDE: And now we're back on the misogyny trek.

HAMLET: You and I both have repenting to do. I don't think any sin is permanent. All we have to do is relearn virtue. I do believe my greatest punishment will be knowing I killed the wrong guy.

GERTRUDE: (after a pause) So, if I'm not allowed to go sleep in my own bed with my own husband, what do you suggest I do?

HAMLET: Whatever you do, don't spill the fact that I'm not crazy in thought but crazy in action. You can accept his smelly kisses, cuddle, even. But don't reveal me.

GERTRUDE: I don't even know who you are anymore.

HAMLET: Well, as of most recently, as I understand, I'm an English ambassador.

GERTRUDE: I forgot about that.

HAMLET: It's set in stone now. I'm basically being escorted like a prisoner by my two "closest friends." I don't trust them, and I think they've been ordered to kill me. They're both just vultures, and they'll be sorry when this is all over. (points at Polonius) Now that I've killed that guy, there's no going back. I don't know if this heap of garbage of a country would let me in again. Oh well. Good night, Mom. (exit all, HAMLET dragging POLONIUS)