Hamlet but it's Better

Act Four, Scene Two

Location: castle corridor

(Enter HAMLET)

HAMLET: Phew. Safe and hidden at last.

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN: (offstage) Hamlet! Where are you!

HAMLET: Or maybe not. (Enter GUILDENSTERN and ROSENCRANTZ)

ROSENCRANTZ: Where is the body?!

HAMLET: Gone. Reduced to atoms.

ROSENCRANTZ: Tell us where it is! Polonius deserves to rest in a chapel after what you did to him, you spineless, bloody villain!

HAMLET: Do you really believe it?

ROSENCRANTZ: Believe what?

HAMLET: That I can keep the secret of your hair plugs and not the deepest darkest secrets of my own? Oh, come on, Rosie. Just because you soak up royal attention doesn't mean I have to answer to you, you fcking sponge!

ROSENCRANTZ: What did you just call me?

HAMLET: You've always been one to show your belly for the mere suggestion of the favor of my family. But, but, but, but before you go on trusting good old Claudius, remember that he's an incestuous fly in my father's dead, rotting ear, rotting like the state, rotting like the treasury, rotting like-

ROSENCRANTZ: You're not making any sense.

HAMLET: That's good. I am a scholar, and you are an idiot. I'd be embarrassed if you did.

ROSENCRANTZ: Mark my words. You will tell us where the body is, and then, you're coming with us to see the king.

HAMLET: I'll give you a clue. The body is with the king, but the king is not the body, and the king itself-

GUILDENSTERN: Enough of this.

HAMLET: Excuse me, before I was so rudely interrupted, what I was going to say is of nothing. (pause) Goodbye. (Sprints off stage)

GUILDENSTERN: Hamlet!

(and now we begin a cat and mouse chase scene through various doors in the floor and walls of the stage before all run into the audience. Eventually, HAMLET tricks GUILDENSTERN and ROSENCRANTZ by hiding beside a piece of the set while they keep running) (exit GUILDENSTERN and ROSENCRANTZ)

HAMLET: Ah, finally! Some peace and quiet. (musket barrel comes through hidden trap door in the wall to press against HAMLET's head) Sht. (exit)