Hamlet but it's Better

Act Five, Scene Two

Location: council chamber

(Enter HAMLET and HORATIO)

HAMLET: Horatio, I'm sad. Can we talk about me?

HORATIO: We usually do.

HAMLET: I think a little kidnapping-by-pirates was just what the doctor ordered. I was playing the part of madman a little too well for my own comfort.

HORATIO: Oh really? I hadn't noticed.

HAMLET: Being kidnapped by pirates was also better than being a passenger on Rosencrantz and Guildensterns' boat. I don't like it when people watch me sleep, Horatio. It makes me uncomfy. Anywho, as I am a great actor, I managed to wait until everyone fell asleep that first night of passage, and I crept around the ship and found the Nondescript Royal Documents I Had No Way Of Knowing About™ and opened them. And guess what it was? An order from Denmark for English People™ to cut off my head. They would have killed me, Horatio!

HORATIO: (gasps) No! Really?

HAMLET: Yes! Really! Here's the document. (pulls Document™ out of Thin Air™ and hands it to HORATIO) Read it, frame it, hang it on your fridge, put it under your pillow, whatever you'd like.

HORATIO: What did you do next?

HAMLET: Well, take a look at the handwriting. It's pretty basic renaissance-era cursive. So I copied it. With some edits.

HORATIO: Well, duh.

HAMLET: So I basically rewrote it all except that instead of England axing my head, they'd kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Eh?

HORATIO: How? You don't have an official seal! Or a pen. Or paper. Or light to read by.

HAMLET: Yes, but I do have Shakespearean Plot Armor™, and I by chance had my father's ring in my pocket. I pushed it into the envelope I found somewhere and boom. Official.

HORATIO: So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are...dead?

HAMLET: Don't sound so remorseful, Horatio. They were asking for it. A bunch of whiny royalty pleasers.

HORATIO: All because of Claudius.

HAMLET: Mhm. I think I should kill him with the letter opener I used to open the letter he wrote to kill me because I wanted to kill him.

HORATIO: He's not going to be happy when he hears about what happened on the way to England. Or to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

HAMLET: Yes, but, you see, he hasn't heard about it yet. (sighs) I do feel bad about what happened with Laertes. I was an a$$. From this day forth, I'll put my feelings aside and be nice to him.

HORATIO: Sorry--who are you again? What's this about putting your feelings aside?

HAMLET: Shut up, Horatio, I could do it if I tried. (Enter OSRIC, a young courtier with his fancy marching bad style hat in his hands)

OSRIC: Hi Prince Hamlet the Great Dane! I'm so excited you're back in Denmark!

HAMLET: Yes, it's great. (whispers) Have you ever seen this small, bug-eyed man before?

HORATIO: (whispers) No.

HAMLET: (whispers) Well, I have, and he's an idiot, but he's an idiot who owns a lot of land and is treated well in court. I've got this.