Hamlet but it's Better

Act Three, Scene Two

Location: the castle theatre

(Enter HAMLET and the actors)

HAMLET: All right, folks. When you read the lines I wrote for you, you have to read them smoothly. Don't fck this up and go all angry actor-like, otherwise I'll be sad.

FIRST ACTOR: You can count on us.

HAMLET: At the same time, don't appear too soft. We don't want the audience to feel any kind of sympathy for the guy, right? Just be good actors, please.

FIRST ACTOR: Well, you hired us for a reason, sir.

HAMLET: Sure. Oh, and if you're playing a clown, don't overdo it. We're not trying to scare Polonius tonight. He's a bit shy. Go get ready. (exit actors. Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN). Hey, guys. Is my uncle coming tonight?

POLONIUS: Yes, your father will be there, and your mother too.

HAMLET: Cool beans. Go tell the actors to speed it up, will you? (Exit all but HAMLET). Horatio? Are you still in this play? (enter HORATIO)

HORATIO: I'm back, you big loser.

HAMLET: Horatio! It's you! And you're...just a guy! Like, a regular guy!

HORATIO: Um, okay.

HAMLET: Did I ever actually tell you what happened to my father?

HORATIO: No, but I know because *Shakespeare made a mistake and forgot to have you tell me so now I just know.*

HAMLET: This is random, but I've always liked that you don't let fortune play you like a flute. You're just a guy. A student, a scholar, whatever. You get to make every choice for yourself. So, now I'm giving you a choice. Would you like to obsessively watch Claudius's face during the play tonight to make sure he really killed my dad?

HORATIO: I think you're losing your mind, but I also really want more than five pages of screen time, so sure. Also, I'm a really good friend.

HAMLET: All right, I hear them coming. I'm about to pretend to be crazy again.

HORATIO: (under his breath) You weren't doing that already? (Enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN)

CLAUDIUS: How are you doing, Hamlet?

HAMLET: I'm very full. Full of sht.

CLAUDIUS: I have no idea what that means.

HAMLET: Neither do I. Polonius, didn't you used to be an actor?

POLONIUS: I was. Wasn't half-bad either.

HAMLET: Who were you cast as?

POLONIUS: I played Caesar. I was killed by Brutus. Those were the days, back in college.

HAMLET: Aw. I bet it was hard for the guy who played Brutus to kill someone with such a round and boyish face. Are the actors ready?

ROSENCRANTZ: They are. They're waiting on you.

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, sit by me.

HAMLET: Sorry, mom, I see someone sexy. Ophelia! (sits in the seat next to OPHELIA)