Hamlet but it's Better

Act Four, Scene Seven

Location: castle corridor

(Enter CLAUDIUS and LAERTES)

CLAUDIUS: Remember Laertes, I am innocent, and I am your friend. The same man that tried to kill your father is after me too.

LAERTES: It appears to be true, but I don't understand why you didn't make some kind of report.

CLAUDIUS: Because the people love him and they hate me. Somehow, they would have justified his actions.

LAERTES: I've lost a father and a sister. I will have my revenge.

CLAUDIUS: Don't worry too much about your own safety. I've had the problem taken- (Enter MESSENGER) Do you bring news?

MESSENGER: I have letters from Hamlet. One is for you, the other is for the queen.

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet?!?!? Where did these come from?

MESSENGER: Some sailors. I didn't see them.

CLAUDIUS: Leave us (Exit MESSENGER). (reads out loud) I'm back, loser. Hamlet. (pause) Sht.

LAERTES: Are you sure it's him?

CLAUDIUS: It's his handwriting. Oh, what should I do? I need a break from Hamlet!

LAERTES: I don't know how to help. I do know that I cannot wait to see the look in his face when I go up to him and say, "You did this."

CLAUDIUS: Is that what you want?

LAERTES: I don't want to be ordered to be peaceful.

CLAUDIUS: Listen to me. If we do this right, no one will ever know it was murder. His own mother will call it an accident.

LAERTES: I will be an instrument of death.

CLAUDIUS: Okay, Tiger. You know, once upon a time, I thought you were very unremarkable. There is this one trait you have though that is admirable.

LAERTES: And what might that be?

CLAUDIUS: Your youth. Your liveliness. It attracts attention, even that of a French friend of mine. There is another thing you excel in: swordsmanship. You know, Hamlet is envious of your talent in fencing.

LAERTES: Where are you going with this?

CLAUDIUS: Did you really love your father?

LAERTES: Why do you ask?

CLAUDIUS: It's not that I doubt your love, I just need to know. I need to know because Hamlet is coming back, and neither of us can stop him. Are you going to prove you are your father's son, or are you going to be just a painting of grief with a cold heart?

LAERTES: I'd kill Hamlet in church if I had to.

CLAUDIUS: When he gets here, I need you to stay in your quarters. I'll pay some people to speak to him non-stop about your stunning good lucks and fencing skill and intelligence and yada yada. His pride will be the death of him. He'll challenge you to swordplay, and you will win.

LAERTES: I'll do it. And for good measure, I'll poison my sword tip.

CLAUDIUS: And in case you fight to a draw, I'll have the cooks poison his wine. I swear to God, no more Hamlet after tonight. Wait. What's that noise? (Enter GERTRUDE, gasping) What's going on?

GERTRUDE: It's Ophelia! Oh, Laertes. She drowned.

LAERTES: Drowned? Where?

GERTRUDE: She climbed up a willow--must have wandered off somehow. The branch broke under her and...and...and she fell into the river.

LAERTES: Ophelia!

GERTRUDE: Oh, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so...

LAERTES: (chokes back tears) Excuse me. I'll be back when I can be a man again (exits).

CLAUDIUS: Let's follow him. I literally just calmed him down. We can't let him do anything stupid. (Exit all)