Hamlet but it's Better

Act Two, Scene One

Location: a room in Polonius's house

(enter POLONIUS and REYNALDO)

POLONIUS: Reynaldo, I want you to give Laertes these letters and money.

REYNALDO: Sure thing.

POLONIUS: I'm sure you will. Also, will you ask him how he's doing? And what he's doing?

REYNALDO: Took the words straight out of my mouth.

POLONIUS: And don't be too obvious about it, but please find some Danes living in Paris. First, I want to know how much money they make. Then, ask if they know my son, and any...extracurricular activities he may be participating in.

REYNALDO: As you wish.

POLONIUS: I want to know who he's hanging out with and if they're being a good influence on my baby boy. No funny business.

REYNALDO: No gambling, you mean?

POLONIUS: No gambling, drinking, swordfights, swearing, fighting, or meeting with prostitutes. Don't be afraid to be blunt.

REYNALDO: Polonius, he's a young man. Aren't you scared you'd embarrass him?

POLONIUS: No, no. You must remember that the same pleasures available to the common man aren't available to my Laertes. He is of nobility, after all, and he can't be sleeping around.

REYNALDO: But-

POLONIUS: Will you do it or not?

REYNALDO: Yes, my lord

POLONIUS: My intent is to make sure Laertes remembers his place, and if his friends are the right kind, they will address you as a gentleman.

REYNALDO: Of course.

POLONIUS: Other than this, let him live as he pleases.

REYNALDO: Understood.

POLONIUS: Farewell. (exit REYNALDO, enter OPHELIA). You look upset.

OPHELIA: That's one word for it.

POLONIUS: Well, are you going to tell me or not?

OPHELIA: Hamlet came into my room while I was sewing. He looked...horrified, almost like a bat out of Hell. And something in his eyes was almost crazy.

POLONIUS: Not crazy in love?

OPHELIA: I don't know, but God I hope not.

POLONIUS: What did he say?

OPHELIA: He grabbed me and stared at me for a creepily long time. But all he did was sigh--it was all very pathetic--and let me go.

POLONIUS: Come with me. We must speak with the King. This man is drunk on love, and his passion will be the death of you both. What did you say back?

OPHELIA: I distinctly remember you telling me that I wasn't allowed to talk to him.

POLONIUS: Oh, fck, I did, didn't I? Come with me, then. We must make haste. (all exit)