Hamlet but it's Better

Act Four, Scene Five

Location: council chamber

(Enter HORATIO, GERTRUDE, and an ATTENDANT)

GERTRUDE: But I don't want to talk to her.

ATTENDANT: But you have to talk to her. Otherwise I have to keep talking to her.

GERTRUDE: What has she been talking about?

ATTENDANT: She kind of bounces back and forth between talking about her father and talking about some lover and talking about nothing in particular. It's very random.

HORATIO: It's better to speak to her than to force her to talk to no one. Imagine how she must be feeling.

GERTRUDE: Oh, fine. Bring her in. (Exit ATTENDANT) The guilt may just kill me. (Re-enter ATTENDANT with OPHELIA)

OPHELIA: Where is the beauteous Majesty of Denmark?

GERTRUDE: What do you mean, Ophelia?

OPHELIA: How should I your true love know from another one? By his cockle hat and staff, and his sandals shoon.

GERTRUDE: Oh, what a lovely song? What does it mean?

OPHELIA: Say You? Nay, pray you, mark. He is dead and gone, lady, he is dead and gone; I just had a grass Green Turf; at his heels of stone. Oh ho!

GERTRUDE: Ophelia-

OPHELIA: Pray You, Mark. White his shroud as the Mountain snow,- (Enter CLAUDIUS)

GERTRUDE: Claudius! Over here!

OPHELIA: Larded all with sweet flowers; which berupt to the Grave did not go with true love showers.

CLAUDIUS: How are you doing today, my dear?

OPHELIA: Well, God healed you! They say the owl was a Baker's daughter. Lord! We know what we are, but not what we may be. God be at your table!

CLAUDIUS: She must be thinking about her father.

OPHELIA: Pray You, let's have no words of this; but when they ask you what it means, say you this: tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day, all in the morning be time, and I are made at your window, to be your Valentine: then up Heroes, and donned his clothes and dumped the chamber door; let in the maid, that out a maid never departed more.

CLAUDIUS: Very nice, my dear.

OPHELIA: Indeed, La! Without an oath, I'll make an end on it: by guess and Saint charity, alack, and fie for shame! Young man will do it, if they come to it; by cock they are to blame. Quotes she, before you tumbled me, you promised me to Wed: he answers so would I have done, by Yonder son, and now I had not come to thy bed.

CLAUDIUS: How long has she been like this?

OPHELIA: I hope all will be well. we must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him in the cold ground. My brother should know of it (Claudius attempts to restrain her) and so I thank you for your good counsel come, my coach! Good night ladies; goodnight sweet ladies; goodnight goodnight. (exit OPHELIA)

CLAUDIUS: Horatio. Watch her. (Exit HORATIO) Poor girl. She is grieving, and she is not well. That makes her dangerous. Laertes must not know. (war noise offstage)

GERTRUDE: What is that noise? (enter ATTENDANT)

CLAUDIUS: Where are my bodyguards? And what is going on?

ATTENDANT: Get yourself somewhere safe. There's a mob outside, and Laertes is with them. They are demanding that Laertes should be the true king, and they wish to put him on the throne!

GERTRUDE: Treason!

CLAUDIUS: They've broken down the doors! (Enter LAERTES with a gun and a full mob)

LAERTES: There's the little btch. Leave me.

MOB: No.

LAERTES: Did I stutter? (Exit MOB) Where is my father

GERTRUDE: Calm down, Laertes.

LAERTES: Shut up. You killed him, didn't you? Didn't you?

CLAUDIUS: It's alright, Gertrude. Stand down.

LAERTES: Where is my father?

CLAUDIUS: Dead.

GERTRUDE: But the King did not do it!

CLAUDIUS: Gertrude, we don't need to tell him things he didn't ask.

LAERTES: I need revenge, so you'd better tell me who did it.

CLAUDIUS: Who's putting you up to this?

LAERTES: Only myself.

CLAUDIUS: Are you sure you want to understand the gravity and complicity of this situation?

LAERTES: Absolutely positive.

CLAUDIUS: As you wish. Now, before you see her, you must know that I'm not at all guilty of this. Honest. (Enter OPHELIA)

LAERTES: Ophelia? Ophelia, is that you? Oh my God!

OPHELIA: They Bore him barefaced on the buyer, hey Nonny Nonny, Nonny, Nonny; and then his grave rained many a tear;-- very well, my dove!

LAERTES: What happened to you? This isn't like you at all!

OPHELIA: You Must sing, a down a down, and you call him a Down, oh how the wheel becomes it! It is the false Steward that stole his master's daughter.

LAERTES: This is all complete nonsense!

OPHELIA: There's Rosemary that's for remembrance (hands imaginary flower to LAERTES); Pray, Love, remember: and there is pansies, that's for thoughts (hands imaginary flower to LAERTES).

LAERTES: She sounds five hundred years old!

OPHELIA: There's Fennel for you (hands imaginary flower to CLAUDIUS), and columbines (hands imaginary flower to GERTRUDE); there's Rue for you (hands imaginary flower to CLAUDIUS); and here's some for me; when they call it or above Grace of Sundays. Oh! You must wear your Rue with a difference. There's a daisy (hands imaginary flower to LAERTES); (takes the hand of GERTRUDE) I would give you some violets, but they all withered all when my father died. They say he made a good end, for Bonnie sweet Robin is all my joy.

LAERTES: Jesus fcking Christ.

OPHELIA: And Will a not come again? And will a not come again? No, no he is dead; go to the Deathbed, he will never come again. His beard was as white as snow all flaxen was his poll, he is gone he is gone, and we Castaway Ramon: God have mercy on his soul! And it all Christian Souls I pray God. God be with you! (exit)

LAERTES: Lord...have...mercy.

CLAUDIUS: I share in your grief, Laertes. And believe me, I will help you to achieve your fullest revenge.

LAERTES: I just want to understand why he was buried without a funeral.

CLAUDIUS: You have a right to want that. And believe me. It will all make sense soon. (Exit all)