Hamlet but it's Better

Act Four, Scene Three

Location: council chamber

(Enter CLAUDIUS and attendants)

CLAUDIUS: I have to find him, and I have to find the body. Can you imagine the danger we'd all be in if he stays loose for much longer? But we have to be careful. The people love him, and I'll be the bad guy if anything happens to him. (Enter ROSENCRANTZ) Well? Where is he?

ROSENCRANTZ: We still don't know where the body is.

CLAUDIUS: I understand, but where is Hamlet?

ROSENCRANTZ: The guards caught up with him. They're waiting outside.

CLAUDIUS: Bring him in. (Enter HAMLET and GUILDENSTERN) (pause as CLAUDIUS does villain circling stuff) Where is Polonius?

HAMLET: At dinner.

CLAUDIUS: Come on, Hamlet.

HAMLET: It's not a dinner where he is a guest. Instead, he is the main course, ripped to shreds by the snakes of politics.

CLAUDIUS: Enough of this.

HAMLET: A man may fish with the worm that has eaten a king, and he can eat the fish that ate that worm.

CLAUDIUS: What are you saying?
HAMLET: Nothing at all.

CLAUDIUS: Where is Polonius?

HAMLET: Go to hell. (CLAUDIUS slaps HAMLET)

CLAUDIUS: (under his breath) "Go to hell?"

HAMLET: He'll be waiting when you get there. (Exit attendants)

CLAUDIUS: For your own safety and for the safety of all of us, you will be sent to England.

HAMLET: England!

CLAUDIUS: Yes.

HAMLET: Awesome. Fan fcking tastic. I've always wanted to go to England.

CLAUDIUS: Good. I fear you'll find your stay...a bit lengthy.

HAMLET: All the better. Bye, mom.

CLAUDIUS: That's Father to you.

HAMLET: No it isn't. (Exit GUILDENSTERN, HAMLET, and ROSENCRANTZ)

CLAUDIUS: I hope England can do what I don't have the strength to do again. (Exit)