Hamlet but it's Better

Act Three, Scene One

Location: a hall in the castle

(Enter CLAUDIUS, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN)

CLAUDIUS: Are you seriously telling me that none of you have been able to figure out why he's gone berserk?

ROSENCRANTZ: He did tell us that he feels distracted, but we don't really know what he meant by that.

GUILDENSTERN: He got really upset when we asked him about it. Can't imagine why.

GERTRUDE: Was he...princely?

ROSENCRANTZ: Meh.

GUILDENSTERN: He was princely, but it took some effort on his part to act civil.

ROSENCRANTZ: He didn't even ask me how my otamatone choir was doing!

GERTRUDE: Did you ask him if he wanted to do anything? Go on a walk, go to the library, whatever it is he's into these days?

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, we were going to, and then the actors showed up. He seems kind of excited about this play.

POLONIUS: It's true. He'd really like you guys to see it with him.

CLAUDIUS: That's kind of reassuring, actually. You're excused, Rosenstern and Guildencrantz.

ROSENCRANTZ: Rosen...yes, my King. (exit GUILDENSTERN and ROSENCRANTZ)

CLAUDIUS: Gertrude, you should also leave us. We have set kind of a trap for Hamlet to try to figure out if it really could be love that's making him cray cray. We're going to set up Hamlet and Ophelia and watch. It's a flawless plan.

GERTRUDE: Very well, my hubbykins. And Ophelia, I hope you're pretty enough to make Hamlet swoon, because I'm not totally convinced.

OPHELIA: Um...all right, I guess. (exit GERTRUDE)

POLONIUS: Ophelia, hide behind that staircase there. There, lean a little against the wall and--here, pretend to read this book. Look like you're not interested in him. Then, we'll be able to find the devil inside of him.

CLAUDIUS: Wow! This is such a good idea! (aside) Not that I'd know anything about having a devil inside of me.

POLONIUS: Here he comes! Let's hide behind that piece of fake shrubbery. (POLONIUS and CLAUDIUS hide behind a bush. Enter HAMLET)

HAMLET: To be or not to be: that is the question. I don't know at this point if it would be ever to keep living through this hell or to succumb to it and end it all right now. I wonder what death would be like? Would it be like sleeping? If it's like sleeping, what kinds of dreams may come if we know we're never going to wake up again? After all, it's only the destination no traveler returns from. Ah, there's Ophelia! Hi, Ophelia!

OPHELIA: Hi, Hamlet. How are you?

HAMLET: I'm fine.

OPHELIA: Now that we're broken up, I have all your stuff right here in this backpack even though we live in the 16th century and backpacks weren't invented until 1938. (sets backpack on the floor)

HAMLET: Why would you have my stuff? It's all garbage anyways, I'm sure I never gave you anything important.

OPHELIA: Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we did have a secret affair for months, and because you're a rich prince, you gave me some stuff.

HAMLET: Are you trying to get in my bedroom right now or are we having an actual conversation?

OPHELIA: Hamlet!

HAMLET: Are you being honest with me?

OPHELIA: I'm confused.

HAMLET: Beautiful women usually have ulterior motives.

OPHELIA: What the fck happened to you? You used to be my best friend and...more. Now, every time I see you I feel like jumping into the river.

HAMLET: Honest men are corrupted by beautiful women, transformed from princes to brothel keepers...I used to love you I used to love you I used to love you I used to love

OPHELIA: I know. I knew.

HAMLET: You should never have believed I was in love with you. Stupid.

OPHELIA: Oops you did it again, I gave you my heart, got lost in the game, ooh baby baby oops thought you were in love and were sent from above. You're not that innocent.

HAMLET: Go join a convent. Why would you hang out with men, you whre? I myself am terrible. So go to a convent. (ringtone of minions singing the Harry Potter theme song plays from a suspicious looking bush). Where's your dad?

OPHELIA: At home.

HAMLET: Oh really. I thought I smelled a fcking idiot somewhere around here.

OPHELIA: Don't talk about my dad like that!

HAMLET: Ophelia, mark my words. No matter how innocent you pretend to be, you can never hide the fact that you are a whre. So get yourself to a convent and pray that God himself will still want you.

OPHELIA: There is no way in hell this has ever been okay to say, but here we are.

HAMLET: Why do you women always pretend to be helpless and stupid, too? Don't you think that with a little more resilience, neither of us would be in this situation right now? Stop pretending to be a child and become a woman. A holy woman. By going to a convent. Like, now. (exit HAMLET)

OPHELIA: Wait, I get soliloquies too? This is pretty rad, but unfortunately, I am very sad right now because my boyfriend used to be really cool and now he's just some sad memelord who's emotionally abusive and a misogynist. And, because women can never talk as much as men, my soliloquy is over now. (POLONIUS and CLAUDIUS jump out from the bushes)

CLAUDIUS: Goodness gracious great balls of fire! Hamlet isn't crazy, he's just messing around, and I don't know why. I'm going to send him to England as an ambassador so he can't embarrass us anymore.

POLONIUS: That's a good idea, but don't send him yet. I still think he's just in love with my daughter, so why don't we do this: we'll send him to talk to his mother and I'll eavesdrop and find out if he's really crazy or just sort of crazy. Sounds good?

CLAUDIUS: Great! Another flawless plan. (exit all)