Hamlet but it's Better

Act One, Scene Four

Location: A platform outside the castle

(enter HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS)

HAMLET: It's cold outside

HORATIO: No sht

HAMLET: What time is it?

HORATIO: Almost midnight.

MARCELLUS: No "almost" about it. It's midnight.

HORATIO: Oh really? Must've missed it. (trumpets and a gunshot) WHAT WAS THAT?

HAMLET: My father's wake. It's some rich-person-ritual that I don't fully understand.

HORATIO: Is this common?

HAMLET: Not really, but it's common to me. So what if my uncle wants to bleed the country dry of its funds to mourn for a man that meant nothing to him. Not my fault if the rest of the world sees this godforsaken country as a drunkard state.

(enter GHOST)

HORATIO: Hamlet, you may want to stop monologuing. The ghost is here.

HAMLET: Ah, so it is. Speak! Whether goblin or angel, tell me who you are. Or could it be? Father, it's you! Please! Tell me what happened to you! What should I do?

(GHOST beckons HAMLET)

HORATIO: I knew it! It wants to speak to you, Hamlet. Alone.

MARCELLUS: Don't go with it, Hamlet.

HORATIO: Yes, stay here.

HAMLET: If it won't speak to us, I'll follow it.

HORATIO: Hamlet, don't be a fcking idiot. Maybe we all have food poisoning or something. That's not your daddy...probably.

HAMLET: I'm not scared of it. Besides, it's not like I have anything left to lose anyways.

HORATIO: Think about this, man. What if you follow it off the edge of a cliff, or something?

HAMLET: We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

MARCELLUS: Don't do it, broski. (grabs HAMLET's arm)

HAMLET: Get off! (shakes free)

HORATIO: See some reason! Don't go.

HAMLEt: Don't you understand? This is my fate. I have to go. And if I die along the way...then I suppose it is God's will. And as your prince, I'm commanding you: don't follow me. (exits with GHOST)

HORATIO: Idiot.

MARCELLUS: So, we're following him, right?

HORATIO: Oh totally.

MARCELLUS: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

HORATIO: I hate it when you get poetic.

MARCELLUS: Too bad. Let's move. (exit all)