I Broke The Girl I Loved

I Can't

My alarm went off at 5:45am and I rolled over and buried my head into my pillow, wishing that I could disappear for a while. Knowing that my wish wouldn't be a reality, I turned off the alarm and got out of bed. The house was quiet and for a moment I believed that everything was the way it had been a week ago. I stepped outside my room and remembered that that was not the case.

It is Monday morning and I am expected to go to school, expected to pretend all is well like my dad didn't just die and my mom didn't abandon me again, this time leaving my half-sister in my care. It is Monday and I am expected to put on the mask most teenagers nowadays do and act as if everything in the world is butterflies and rainbows. Well screw butterflies and screw rainbows and screw life because it is definitely not at all what it was cut out to be. It is Monday morning and I am staying home from school.

Evie is sound asleep when I check on her so I leave her be. I make my way down to the kitchen half expecting my dad to be there. People always say that when they lose someone who made a mark on their life, then everywhere they go and everything they do reminds them of that person and all they can see are the memories of those people in those places. I can confirm that that is true, because it has been two days since my dad has been gone and so far I've seen him everywhere. Mowing the grass in the yard on a Saturday afternoon, cooking dinner in the kitchen while he sings to songs that have been stuck in his head, sprawled out across the couch watching The Real Housewives because he always claimed that he needed "more of this juicy gossip" in his life.

I do not believe in ghosts, even though I feel like I can physically see my father everywhere, and I do not believe in a heaven or in a hell. I believe there is something after death but we will only find out what that something is when we die. My dad was never one for religion either. He created his own religion based around an external force, a sort of god, who created the earth and the things on it and he named it Wilsonism, very original. It was a mix of the many different religions—Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Muslam, Buddhism, et cetera—because he believed that choosing one to live by would be too hard of a decision. In his religion of Wilsonism there was an afterlife, or at least a form of it. His belief was that when a person dies they don't go to heaven or hell and they aren't reincarnated, instead they almost continue life inside their own mind. One is able to replay memories or moments they lived and they are able to continue life within their head by themselves. I always see this as sort of a stretch but I never imposed on his idea of what he wanted, I just hope that he made it to his afterlife safely and that it's everything he ever hoped it would be.

I was still standing at the bottom of the stairs, lost in thought as I stared at the kitchen, when Evie spoke up.

"Good morning Jayce," she said in a tired voice.

I looked over at her, giving her a small smile as I replied, "good morning Evie. How did you sleep?"

"Not bad," she said as she rubbed her puffy red eyes. Having spent many nights crying myself to sleep I've grown to know the look of the red puff eyes that come the morning after. I didn't say anything about it because I know that it never helps when someone brings it up.

"So, pancakes?" I asked.

"In fun shapes?" She asked back.

"Of course."

                                        •••
Evie hasn't been enrolled at the elementary school here yet so she didn't have to attend school today. Her and I spent half an hour trying to form fun shapes out of fully cooked pancakes without using the cookie cutters because I had thrown those away to rid myself of the memories of my dad that came with them. I somehow managed to create a wonky looking butterfly with disproportionate wings while Evie made an almost perfectly shaped heart. We took out all the possible toppings in the fridge and set them out on the counter, creating a display of everything from fruit and syrup to chocolate chips and whipped cream.

"Can I eat on the couch?" She questioned after decorating her pancake with an array of blueberries and strawberries topped with whipped cream and white chocolate chips.

"I don't see why not. Just don't spill," I said.

She did a celebratory giggle and took her plate to the couch, putting it in her lap as she sat cross-legged. I joined her shortly after and grabbed the remote, turning on the tv as I did.

"Any requests Evie?" I asked.

Evie stared at her pancake, seemingly deep in thought before she looked up and said, "Scooby Doo?"

"Scooby Doo it is," I responded and starting searching up Scooby Doo movies.

After a long debate and half our pancakes now in our stomachs, we came to an agreement on Scooby Doo and Kiss: Rock and Roll Mystery. Half way through the movie I pressed pause so that I could clean the kitchen up and Evie could go brush her teeth. I grabbed our plates and the utensils we used and put them in the sink before cleaning up the mess of toppings. As I washed the dishes and wiped the counters I realized it was only 8:05am and we still had a whole day ahead of us. I went back to the couch and Evie came out of the bathroom.

"Anything you want to do today?" I said to Evie while the movie was still paused.

Her answer was almost instant. "Stay home and watch Scooby Doo all day."

I had no other plans for the day and I felt like staying in would be best so I agreed with ease. We continued the movie and when it finished we put on another one and another after that one.

                                    •••
In total we watched five movies today, taking brief breaks in between to grab snacks and use the bathroom. It was now 7:00pm and I was calling Pizza Hut, placing a delivery for a large cheese pizza.

"Oh oh ask for extra breadsticks," Evie said beside me.

"Can I also have extra breadsticks please?" I ask the woman over the phone who stated her name was Bree.

The call wrapped up shortly and we were back to watching another Scooby Doo movie, impatiently waiting for the pizza that was taking too long to arrive.

Almost an hour later the doorbell rang and I rushed to it. A long, dark haired brown eyed girl stood there holding the now cold pizza. I took it from her hands and paid her, making sure to leave her a nice enough tip to show I was grateful but also show that I wasn't completely satisfied with the time it took to be delivered to my door. She looked bored out of her mind and took the money from my hands before turning around and walking to her car. I brought the pizza inside and locked the door behind me.

Evie had already grabbed out paper plates from the cupboard and set them on the counter, along with some Ranch.

"How did you know I liked Ranch?" I said.

She looked confused, "I didn't. I brought it out because I liked it."

I shrugged. "Well I guess we both like Ranch with our pizza."

We dished up our pizza and poured unnecessary amounts of Ranch on our plates before returning to the couch and hitting play on the movie. At one point Evie fell asleep and I put a blanket on her and let her stay there on the couch since she looked so peaceful. I returned to my room and laid in bed.

I can't fake being happy at school in front of people who don't care one bit about me but I can find genuine happiness here with Evie even if all we're doing is sitting around with our eyes glued to a screen.