Come Back to Me

3

Euronymous was the first to break the silence. "I don't get why you're with that chick."

His words were slurred as they walked to the car.

Dead shook his head. "Better than nothing."

"Whatever," Euronymous scoffed. "All I'm gonna say is that maybe you'd be a bit happier if you just moved the fuck on. I mean, you hate her guts no matter what defense you come up with, Vanessa is long gone and has been for years, plus, you haven't exactly been able to find her on your own."

"I had no control over that."

"Bullshit! You let Jess keep tabs on your phone. You kept her around even though you talk all the time about how much you just want her gone. I seriously have no sympathy for you or Vanessa. As far as I'm concerned you're better off without her."

Dead let out a low growl. "You're only saying that because of the ban."

"Exactly! Who the hell does something that reckless without saying something to anyone? Who knows when it'll even be lifted and that's if they lift it at all! She screwed so many people it's not even funny."

It was hard to argue that one. Even Dead had trouble wrapping his mind around the fact Vanessa had just gone off without telling anyone what she was doing. He could hear the pain and frustration in Euronymous' voice whenever the ban got brought up. It was a touchy subject for sure. No one had been happy about it, but to put all of the blame solely on Vanessa had been a bit harsh. While she had been the straw that broke the camel's back there had been other's who had done the same thing. Euronymous didn't see it that way though.

"You know she didn't mean to hurt you. It's not like she knew that about you," Dead argued.

"That's my fucking point! She knew nothing about us! Who we were to her doesn't even exist anymore. We should be worm food right now. What was she trying to do is my question. It's like she was trying to play the hero or something."

"Can we just talk about something else? I really don't want to do this tonight."

"Whatever. Are we heading back to the house?"

Dead turned to look at the club, waiting to see if Jess would come running after him once she noticed he was gone. Thankfully she was still inside. Maybe if they hurried back home he could lock the doors to keep her out and have the locks changed in the morning.

We both know that's not going to happen...

No. It probably wouldn't. As many times as he and Jess fought he still let her come around, acting like nothing happened. It was a vicious cycle to say the least.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk. I'll see you later."

Not waiting for Euronymous to respond, Dead walked away, slipping his hands into his pockets. His head burned, a dull throbbing in the back of his skull. A world putrid and mundane with nothing giving him any hope of a better future for the past having already tarnished everything in its wake leaving nothing but a husk of a man filled with nothing but frustration, pain and agony. His stomach turned, a sickening bubbling feeling deep inside and causing an emotion he couldn't even begin to describe.

He couldn't say that he hated where he was in life, not even close. Mayhem had grown so much from where they had started, soon they would even be joining Darkthrone and Satyricon for a black metal festival. The fame was intoxicating, more than he ever imagined it being, but it didn't stop the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. More than once he had found comfort in the arms of another woman, a few times even experimenting with men but nothing came of that. At one point he thought he had found someone else who he truly loved and had for a time put Vanessa out of his mind. The reality of it was much more cruel.

Silvia had loved him with everything she had, always supporting him through everything, helping him try and become sober. She always put him first. The other's agreed that she was a wonderful person, always encouraging him to take things more seriously with her, suggesting he marry her and finally start a family. Just that thought alone made his stomach turn. He couldn't imagine any of those things with her without it feeling...wrong. Yes, she would have been a wonderful mother and wife, but it never made sense with her. The connection had never been there and despite years of trying to force it, Dead knew it would never come to be.

To say she didn't take the breakup well would be an understatement. It had been something she suspected would happen, knowing about Vanessa and their history, yet she tried everything in her power to keep him from ever trying to find her. Keeping him close to her, monitoring his internet usage, everything was under surveillance. He was never left alone, always with friends or family to keep him busy. The few times he did manage to be alone he would try desperately to look for Vanessa, searching every social media platform he could think of. Always, he found nothing.

Public records of her had become blocked off to those who tried to search or even pay for it after the ban had been announced. There had been multiple versions of why they took away access to the records, some saying it was so no one could track down those who may have caused more damage, other's saying it was purely a matter of investigation purposes. Whatever the reason, he had no way of knowing where she was.

As for Silvia, she had found him trying to look Vanessa up at one point, leading to an explosive argument. She was hurt and rightfully so. Almost four years of what she thought was a perfect relationship had gone down the drain in a matter of hours without him once showing that he was bothered at all by it. She spent two and a half hours pleading with him to reconsider, desperately wanting to save whatever it was they had between them, telling him just how much she loved him and wanted to be with him. She had only stopped crying and screaming when her throat couldn't even make a sound. Sadness quickly turned to anger and frustration and the amount of hits she had gotten in had turned his face black and blue for a few weeks after she had gone.

He couldn't blame her though. The whole thing had just been some desperate attempt to forget about someone else; to fill the void left in his blackened heart. It never once stood a real chance. Not when his heart longed for the embrace of another.

Just let it go. You're not going to find her. Just move on already.

"No," he growled. "I'll find her one way or another. I just need to try harder."

What more can you try? You've done everything possible. Give up.

No. He wouldn't stop looking and trying. Even if he had to play dirty and use whoever got close to him, there would be nothing stopping him until she was back by his side where she belonged. Someone would surely know something about her. Until then, he would have to keep looking and hope he would find her.

For the moment, he was alone with nothing but his thoughts and the voices in his head to keep him company. For the moment he was, once again, completely alone.