Come Back to Me

21

Another empty bottle hit the floor, a full one taking its place. There were probably twelve or thirteen on the floor at this point with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Dead groaned as the full bottle touched his lips, swallowing the disgusting cheap liquid. He could have easily bought something that tasted better, spent a little more money and got something that wouldn't make him want to throw up; but that was part of his punishment. His eyes burned from crying, but he wouldn't be seen shedding another tear tonight.

From where he sat on the couch, Dead heard the door to his apartment open followed by the exasperated sigh of his current girlfriend.

"Per?" she called out. Her voice was strained as his name left her lips.

Dead rolled his eyes, taking another drink from the bottle. "What?"

It had come out harsher than he had meant it, almost angry.

A moment later she came into view, the exhaustion apparent. These nights were the hardest on them both, but being this drunk never helped it.

"Again?" she said, her voice almost pleading.

Dead simply shrugged. "I'm not doing this."

"How long are you going to keep this up? You can't keep living in the past if you want this relationship to work. Please, Per, I love you and I understand you're still grieving but..."

"How could you fucking understand?" he growled out. "You're not the one who thought they finally had it all only to have it taken away."

"You didn't have it taken. From what you've told me and from what I've heard you're the one who let her go."

Putting the bottle to his lips again, Dead glared over at her. "Shut up about it. I'm with you aren't I?"

Silvia glared back at him, her eyes though gave away the lack of conviction behind it.

"Are you with me though? Because it sure doesn't seem like it. It feels like I'm just a placeholder for you or someone to turn to when it's finally convenient for you. I keep getting asked if we're even a couple anymore because you talk so much about an ex-girlfriend and you don't even act like a boyfriend. Why did you even ask me out if you weren't ready for this? You're thirty-seven, Per, why can't you just grow up?"

He was standing before either of them knew it, the half full bottle shattering on the floor.

"Fuck you," he snarled.

"Is that all you have to say?" she questioned. "Everything I've tried to do for you and for us all you can say is that?"

His eyes lowed to the floor, his mind racing as he tried to think of what to say. She was right about everything, she usually was. There was no excuse or reason why he treated her like a convenience, nothing he could say to make that any less of a fact. He cared for her, sure, but he couldn't honestly say he was in love with her like she was with him. Their relationship had been a distraction and nothing more. Sure, he cared about her and wanted her to be happy, and when things were going smoothly he had done his best to keep her happy, but it still didn't change the facts.

The best option for both of them was for him to end it here and now, let her hate him until the end of their days, but end her pain now. It was the logical thing to do, the one thing he could do to keep this from getting worse.

"I'll try and do better," he mumbled.

Liar.

The lie was the one constant in their relationship. He would promise to do better, or at the very least try, they would be fine for a few weeks or so, but it always went back to fighting, drinking, and lying again. There was no end in sight to the vicious cycle unless they ended it here and now and stuck to it. There had been a few times he had tried to end it before, but she had begged him not to leave.

This isn't healthy.

Anyone could see that it was toxic. She wasn't perfect by any means and neither was he, but the whole relationship seemed to bring out their worst traits. Dead didn't want to be alone, wanted someone there that he could try and convince himself that he had finally found his person. She wanted someone to stay no matter the cost, willing to put her own mental health in the trash just so she could try and "save" him.

That was a lie they both believed.

There was no saving him unless he finally let go of the one thing that was keeping him stuck in the past. He had to let her go if he truly wanted to move on. Easier said than done of course. Vanessa had been his first in almost everything. His first real love, his first time, and the one who pulled him back from the void when he got too close. Losing her to his mind had brought his world crashing down around him and now he was suffering the consequences of his actions. He had spent so long waiting for her to come back to him, stayed up for days hoping she would appear in front of him or that he would run into her on one of his walks like when they had first met.

The day everything fell into place...

"We can't keep doing this," he finally said. "This is toxic."

He could hear the sharp intake of her breath. "Please don't do this."

"Look at us!" he snapped. "We're a mess! This whole relationship is draining both of us and you know it. Do you really want to stay with someone you know doesn't and will probably never love you the way you love them if at all? Do you really want to be around someone who makes you feel like a second choice?"

"I love you, Per, more than I've ever loved anyone else."

"No, you don't. You're like me. You just don't want to end up alone in the end and you're willing to throw everything else away in the hopes of living the dream life. You know as well as I do at this point you don't love me. You just don't want to deal with the breakup."

"Please..."

"No! I'm tired of living a lie and it's not fair to either of us. You deserve someone who will love and appreciate you the way you deserve. Please, just forget me and live your life."

"I want a life with you! Please don't do this, I'm begging you!"

"I'm the last person you should be wasting tears on, let alone begging me to stay. We're done, Silvia."

"Per, please I..."

"We're done! Get your shit and go home! Just fucking go!"

His chest tightened as he watched her go to their room. He could hear her crying as she packed her few belongings and he almost went to comfort her.

It'll only make things harder. Act cold and uncaring and she'll move on.

It was an absurd thought, he knew. Yet he followed it. Her eyes locked with his as she made her way back into the room with a bag in hand.

"Please don't do this," she tried again.

Taking a deep breath, Dead glared over at her and shook his head. "Get the fuck out of here. I don't love you and never have. Forget me and move on."

The words were deliberate and harsh, so much so that he could see her flinch from them. He felt terrible for even saying it, knowing full well that at one point he had truly loved her.

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "You're a real prick, Per. I loved you and would have done anything for you had you just given me a real chance. I hope you and the booze have a great relationship, because by the looks of it, that's the only one you'll have."

With that, she was gone. Dead couldn't deny the small bit of guilt that festered in the back of his mind. She was right of course. She very easily could have been the one if he had let her in, but she wasn't the one for him. Maybe one day she would find someone that could be everything she needed, everything she deserved; but that would never be him.

Laying down on the couch, Dead stared up at the ceiling, wondering what the future did have in store for him. Would he be allowed the happy ending he desperately craved or would the universe continue to spit in his face? Closing his eyes, he slipped into a dreamless sleep hoping that tomorrow would be better, or at the very least a little clearer.