Come Back to Me

26

Dead tried to keep his emotions under control, doing his best to not be angry at the fact that Valerie had admitted to having feelings for the person who knew about what would happen to her sister. Euronymous wasn't a bad person, but he had yet to explain why he had gone along with Varg in the first place. Whatever he had told Valerie was already more than he had gotten.

"Pelle," Vanessa said softly, her face nuzzling his neck. "I think you should talk to him."

"There's nothing to talk about," he growled. "I have nothing to say to him."

"Then just listen. He needs to be the one to tell you his side, but I'm telling you he was manipulated. Varg knew exactly what to say to get him to do what he wanted. Just hear him out."

"Why are you so forgiving about this? It makes no sense. I mean, fuck! You were tortured by a lunatic, raped, and beaten all because Euronymous chose not to open his mouth and speak up! He sure knows how to use his words when he's acting like the great leader of Mayhem but where was that when he actually needed to be a leader and a friend? A real leader wouldn't have let someone manipulate them into going along with something so messed up. A real leader would have stood up for his supposed friends and ignore whatever bullshit was spread."

He could feel his heart pounding against his chest, the anger bubbling in the pits of his stomach once again. None of this was fair. Everything had been taken from him already and now that they were together another dark cloud seemed to hover over them.

Vanessa stared at him, her mouth opening before closing again knowing that she didn't even know what to say at that point. Dead was right. She should be furious at Euronymous and shouldn't have been okay with her sister going after him; but here she was. Anger wouldn't take away what Varg had done, it wouldn't change what part Euronymous played, but he had tried in the end and to her that meant something. Maybe it didn't mean complete forgiveness, but it did warrant some level of it.

"I don't know what to say," she finally managed. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life being angry about something I can't change. There's no way to change what happened and even if there was, one of us would always remember why we changed things in the first place. There's no way to completely forget what happened, but he did try and do the right thing. He tried keeping Varg away, he tried fighting, and that means something to me, Pelle. He could have said nothing at all and gone through with it but he didn't."

Dead stared at the wall, biting down on his tongue to keep himself from lashing out at her. He could hear Euronymous and Valerie walk back into the house, both of them quietly talking amongst themselves before coming into the room.

"Vanessa," he growled out. "Go for a walk or something with your sister. Øystein, you and I need to talk."

~

Euronymous held his breath, waiting for Dead to come off the couch and attack him or scream in his face.

"Sit," the vocalist snapped.

Had it been anyone else, Euronymous probably would have argued against being ordered around; but he knew better than to argue with Dead. Sitting in the chair across from him, he waited.

"Start talking."

Was bound to happen sooner or later.

He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes on the floor. "It wasn't long after you two were back together when he came to me. It started off as small shit, mostly just kind of scaring her as payback for him losing out on whatever fame he was supposed to get."

He paused, risking a glance up at Dead. The blond was still focused on the wall in front of him, eyes unblinking.

"Then the plan got worse," he continued. "He wanted to wait until you finally left her alone, saying he was going to make her pay for everything she had taken away from him...from me. He kept bringing up the ban, Vera, everything that happened after she finally came back. I knew it wasn't completely her fault, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, but I was still so angry. Angry that you got what you always wanted while I was still alone without the one person I loved. I hated it. Hated you. Hated her."

His throat tightened. A fresh wave of guilt washed over him as he tried to hold himself together.

"He told me he knew people," he breathed out. "Said that he could have all our lives destroyed in just a few phone calls. I wouldn't have cared if it was dumb shit but he threatened to have me accused of sleeping with minors! He knew people that would speak up and say I did horrible things. He threatened all of us, Dead. I was scared, I should have said something to one of you but he said if I did he'd know because we'd be on our guard. I tried talking him out of it so many times and when he was about to do it I tried to stop it. I tried to warn you, I tried to protect her..."

His voice trailed off, the tears now running down his face. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I'm a fucking coward and I deserve every bit of hate you have for me. I'm sorry, Dead. I'm really fucking sorry."

His eyes moved from the floor over to Dead, seeing his eyes now focused back on him instead of the wall. The anger had lessened from his eyes.

"I accept your apology," Dead started. "But I don't trust you. It's going to be a long time before I trust you again, if I do at all. But, for Vanessa's sake I'll try and be more civil. You're a coward and a pathetic excuse for a leader at this point. I get being angry about the ban, being afraid of Varg, but a real leader wouldn't have sat back until the last second."

"You're right," Euronymous agreed. "I haven't been a good leader in a long time. Maybe it's time I step back from being the leader. Maybe we postpone the rest of the tour until this mess is done."

Dead tilted his head. "How about instead of backing out from being a leader, you start acting like one instead?"

"I thought..."

"I said you were a pathetic leader at this point. That doesn't mean you weren't a decent one before. You need to be that leader again. Hell, maybe even better than before. Backing out will only prove you're a coward."

He thought about it for a moment, a fresh determination coming over him.

"You're right. I'm not going to back down. We're going to face this together and no matter what happens I'm going to be the leader I should have been."

"Good. Now get the fuck out of my face."