Come Back to Me

10

Everyone knew that flying had its consequences, but a flight home after a long tour like that was beyond torturous. Hellhammer and Necro had passed out as soon as they got back to their beds, Euronymous had gone off to wherever he could get a stiff drink and a good sleep. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Dead sat on the couch, still riding the high of finding each other again. While she was curled up on his lap, Dead couldn't stop his mind from wandering back to everything he had been through after she left...no, not left...after he sent her away.

It was your fault, Pelle.

His thoughts sounded like her. Those words in her voice made him wince.

It's always your fault. you couldn't just let yourself be happy; couldn't let us be happy. What makes you think this time will be any different?

A knot welled up in his throat. He wanted to say something, to make it stop, but the words wouldn't come.

She's right, you know.

The voice changed to that of Euronymous.

After you sent her away things only got worse. You could have actually tried to preserve yourself but no, the great and pitiful Dead has to always try to live up to his name.

It's pathetic.

He could feel it; that all too familiar urge, along with the rage and the sorrow that comes from years of failing to get the job done. Even though she was close enough to feel her breath, the thoughts kept coming.

I'm not talking about trying to off yourself, I couldn't have been happier when I started seeing fresh blood again. No, it's pathetic that you're too much of a coward to follow through.

He closed his eyes, tried to focus on something else. Not that it helped; he was shaking. something akin to pain overwhelmed his entire body. Unlike the sensation of dragging a knife across his flesh, there was nothing cathartic about this. It was swallowing him like some starving animal and soon, all he could think about was ending it all. Maybe this time he would have the balls to finaly do it right and but a bullet through my fucking sku-

"Pelle?"

He couldn't tell if it was her or his thoughts speaking. He was almost too scared to find out.

"Pelle, what's wrong? Why are you shaking so much?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her. Those beautiful eyes looking up at him filled with frantic worry were almost calming to see.

"Just a bad dream."

He said it coldly. Not something he wanted or had really meant to do, but it was the only way to keep from breaking down.

" I need a walk. Do you want anything from the store?"

The concern on her face was more than prevalent. It was almost painful to look at.

"Are you sure? you really don't seem alright..."

She put her hand to his face, wiping away a tear he didn't know was there.

"I'm ok, the jet lag messes me up a bit, that's all."

He knew better than to think she would buy such a blatant lie. but he wasn't ready to have this conversation. Luckily she seemed to understand.

"Ok... Just be careful out there, okay"

She ever so gently grabbed him by the chin, Expecting an honest answer. Luckily he didn't have to lie about this one.

" I will."

The smile he gave with it was almost genuine. It was hard to make his face move like that anymore, but it got the point across.

He got up and made for the door, still a bit sluggish from the flight. She was watching him. He didn't blame her if it was only to make sure he didn't bring his knife with him but her gaze felt warm. That was something he would have to get used to again.

The night air seemed to calm his nerves somewhat slightly as he began his walk to the corner store. There wasn't really anything he wanted from there, maybe some hot candy or something for the walk back, but mostly just a dire need to get away from everything. Or at least as away from everything as he could get. There was never going to be an escape from himself, never would be peace of mind with the millions of thoughts that haunted him on a regular basis. All of it was something he would have to suffer through just to keep Vanessa happy. The sole reason for him even being alive at this point was so she wouldn't feel like she failed in trying to save him.

I may physically be alive, but I feel completely dead inside. Like a walking corpse.

As much as people liked to tease him for saying he felt like a corpse, mostly just chalking it up to a dark sense of humor, Dead often wished that people knew he meant it in the most literal sense. It had gone past the point of regular numbness years ago, probably long before he knew Vanessa. Now, it felt as though he actually were a corpse. Everything felt unreal, like a dream within a dream that he could never wake up from. He couldn't deny the small bit of happiness that Vanessa had brought him now that they were together, but it didn't change anything like he had hoped it would.

Before, things had started to make sense again, he could be comfortable around someone without having to pretend to be someone he wasn't. His feelings began to show themselves and for once he had someone that he could say truly loved him despite all his faults. Now, after years of self destructive behavior that feeling was all but gone completely. He had tried therapy, most of the people he had spoken with either were more focused on prescribing pills while other's just wanted to have him sent to a hospital. The pills for the most part hadn't done anything, at most they only made him wake up with migraines or had him waking up in the early hours of the morning even if he had only gotten two hours of sleep. It hadn't been long before he tossed the things out and just suffered through.

At most, at least he could try and pretend to be happy for her sake. Maybe if he pretended and faked it hard enough he would eventually believe it himself. Maybe, just maybe, he could be happy in this life.

_________________

They had been sitting in the car for what felt like hours. Euronomus feeling as though he would vomit the entire time. He knew full well the consequences of what they were about to do. But Varg was steadfast, like a predator waiting for its moment to strike.

"There he goes."

Varg pointed at the door as Dead walked out of the house. the twisted grin that spread on Varg's face almost made Euronymous go pale.

"Let's go."

From the way Varg barked it out, Euronymous knew there was no going back. He could only hope that Dead would get the warning in time.