My Life at High School

Mar 9th 2022 - Toxic friendships

Yeah, that. 

You know how I said that I had great friends? 

I do but it's just today one let me down. I don't think she meant to but it still hurt. 

Basically, I wrote yesterday that we confirmed someone had a crush on me. So today I told her about the phone call and added something else which I forgot to say yesterday. Her reaction was debatable to be honest. It wasn't bad but it wasn't as big as I thought it would be. 

Anyways we both had computer science together, and while we were doing work, she was talking to 2 girls between us. 

I knew I shouldn't have been eavesdropping. Actually screw that. I just heard them and it's not like they were bring quiet either. Also I was waiting for her to reply to my text.

She basically told them how a random Year 8 (7th grade) boy, added her on Microsoft Teams and started talking to her. 

It kinda hurt knowing I told her everything and she hadn't mentioned it once in return.

But to be fair, she didn't have to.

That didn't mean it didn't hurt. 

It was there that I regretted telling her anything. I also told her before Friend A and Friend B, which I didn't mean to but ended up in the conversation. 

And for some reason, I thought she was trying to be my friend. Like she personally wanted to talk to me and asked if we should go hang out in town.

Now, I'm not so sure. 

Maybe she is but I don't know because it seems like a red flag to be honest. 

She might be trying to be my friend but I know she'd drop me for another friend if she could. I see it the way she acts around the other friend. 

Friend C also did that. She dropped me for another person in our form. She apologized that she couldn't go with me because the other person's partner wasn't here. I was Friend C's partner the entire time and she dropped me for someone else. But then again, Friend C is closer to the other person than to me. 

What made me more upset was the fact that when we were signing up for our next choice for PE (Physical Education), she asked if I was going to be her partner if we got the same choice. 

I know Friend C dropped me over someone else, and I know the friend I wrote about originally would drop me if she had to choose, whether she meant it or not. 

So everything's not as great as I wrote about in the beginning.

That's a lie.

It is but I just forgot that I had some of these feelings until today. But Friend A and Friend B are my true friends and I'm not going to let that go.

It sorta reminds me of two toxic friends I had. 1 was my first ever best friend and the other was in my 4th primary school and was also my best friend.

Toxic friend 1 grew out of it. She wasn't as toxic as she was back then. She was controlling. 

And I mean really controlling. 

When we meant to the Exchange, for example, in Ilford, we saw two puppy plushies, one was purple and one was pink. She told me to get the purple one and she would take the pink one. I tried reasoning with her that we should both take pink but she didn't listen. She said that if we did, we would mix them up. I saw no wrong in her logic so I did as she asked. 

Even my mom noticed how controlling she was. 

Anyway, she's grown out of it so I'm happy about that. 

But the second one was always toxic. And even though I knew that, I still became friends with her after. 

Why? 

I don't know.

Basically, I was friends with an upperclassman. She was in Year 2 (1st Grade) and I was in Year 1. I didn't know that at that time though because we happened to be in the same class. (I don't know why so don't ask)

So one day I said I was going to go on vacation to Bangladesh, (My home country). Toxic Friend no.2 somehow twisted my words and told the upperclassman that I was leaving for good and she started crying. 

I was trying to prove to her that I was only going on holiday while simultaneously thinking:

'Girl, you were okay before you met me. I'm sure you'll be okay after I leave.'

Yes, I had this sass when I was a kid but I'm not sure if it's understandable in writing. 

I somehow managed to become friends with TF2 and this girl had me by a thread. 

I would do anything to keep our friendship and self-doubted my actions regarding my actions at the same time thinking why the fuck is she doing this? (Except the cussing). 

Yeah, it was a toxic friendship and I didn't notice. 

Until a presentation about bullying in my next school showed up and the first person to come up in my head was her.

I thought I knew what bullying was.

Apparently not.

Later on, I found out what a toxic relationship was.

And now I've labeled it as a toxic friendship. 

What else is it supposed to be?

My dad got into a slight argument about me getting contact lenses. He's not happy about it. 

I've always wanted contact lenses cause I look shit in glasses and prefer my natural face. Honestly, that is why my eyesight is bad that I have to wear them all the time. 

Lesson: Wear your glasses. Even if your vain. Cause you're going to regret it.

Trust me.