Your Last Everything

Chapter Four - Ava

I laid in bed with Aiden in my arms as I nursed him back to sleep. It was three in the morning, and it was his fourth time waking up for five minutes of milk time. I was exhausted, to say the least.

I didn't know if he was having a bad night where he constantly needed to nurse or if he just missed me. I was working again, five days a week, from ten in the morning until four in the afternoon, so our mornings and the usual time we spent together were cut short.

I still pumped milk for my mother to nurse him while I was gone, but it wasn't the same. I knew he felt it. The skin-on-skin contact, the way we connected while nursing, and how his fingers always held mine.

It was something beautiful, something full of love and tender care. It wasn't that I needed to work; my parents didn't mind. This prideful piece of me wanted to support myself and my baby and help out with the bills or groceries.

I didn't know just how draining the emotional and mental toll it would take on Aiden and me. I didn't know that I'd spend most of my lunch breaks crying in the bathroom while I looked through photos of him.

I didn't know how much I would hate myself for leaving him with my mother. It was a disgusting emotion of pure hatred that simmered inside of my stomach, boiling, boiling, until I felt that I'd explode.

I looked down and brushed a finger across his cheek before grabbing his tiny hand and pressing it to my lips.

"I love you, Aiden, with all of my heart. Do you know that?" I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes from the intensity of the many emotions I felt for my son.

My heart was undeniably full, so full of Aiden, so full of love. When you become a mother, your entire life revolves around your children.

You would do anything for them. Lay down your life for them. Sacrifice your needs and put theirs first.

Even though deep down, Aiden was my everything, my every breath, it was still such a lonely life to live. It was lonely doing this entire parenting thing alone without a partner.

After a few more minutes, he stopped nursing, and I saw his mouth leave my nipple as he fell asleep. Carrying him, I placed him right back on the bassinet and leaned over my bedside table for my phone.

I rubbed my eyes as I scanned past the notifications.
I had stuffed that Officer's number in the back of my phone case.

I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper and contemplated on whether or not to give it a shot. To call or text him. To whatever with him.

He gave it to me three days ago. I haven't seen him or bumped into him since. It's not like I wanted to bump into him. I mean, I didn't even know him.

I punched in his number to add to my contacts, and my fingers ghosted over the screen as I decided what I wanted to text him. I let out a puff of air as I wrote a message, only to erase it again.

'Hi.'

Nope. It was three in the fucking morning. Who says hi?

'Hey.'

Pretty sure hi and hey are the same word, you moron.

'U up?'

He isn't your booty call, Ava. I groaned as I erased the stupid message. I put my phone down on the pillow next to me and laid back down underneath the covers.

I looked over to make sure Aiden was still sleeping comfortably before closing my eyes and falling asleep.

You are the most beautiful woman that I've had the pleasure of, scratch that the fucking honor of looking at. You're like that piece in an art gallery that everyone stares at, marvels about its beauty that it hurts. You're so fucking beautiful that it hurts to look at you.