starting a new

No longer a secret

Kiki's POV
"Alright class! Mis Clare, please tell me the answer to this equation. I looked up from my papers. Smiling I say "255." "Good, now reverse it." "5.32" she nodded and continued the lesson. I felt like I was floating. Was this what love felt like? My hand lightly hand across my scared arm we're I use to cut myself. I was wearing a different outfit then normal. Instead of a long sleeve I was wearing a blue tank top, which matched my white and blue flowered Minnie skirt. Axel was playing with my hair this morning braiding it, leaving out my bangs. My green eyes were noticeable now since I was now wearing contacts instead of glasses, and my braces were removed a few days ago. It was such a weird change. I felt different. "Mis.Clare, office." I looked up. The teacher was on the phone. Slowly I stand up confused. A few legs went out to trip me but I stoped and went around. I don't want to trip anymore. I'm so much more then a clumsy person. I have balance, I use to be in gymnastics...till last year. The office was in the other school block so it was a good walk to the office. The counselor was waiting with Mr.smith. He motioned for me to step in so I did. I sat down. "Good morning Kiki how are you today?" He asked closing the door and taking his seat. "Good." I bit my lip holding my breath. For some reason I felt anxious. Did I do something? Does he know about yesterday? What if axel got in trouble for helping me? "That's very good, you look go today as well, much happier. I wanted to talk to you about something. When you came of age you signed papers to come here, only we didn't receive one other document, your medical file." I froze. Crap, I was really hoping he wouldn't ask for that. I looked away. "I'm aware...that's because it's an option, you don't need it." "That's not true, it's actually really important and I'm surprised we haven't had it almost all year, I knew but I left it alone, till now...you see this quarter you have been hospitalized with an awful lot of fevers." Your health has become a worry in my eyes and I want to make sure your okay." I nodded still looking at the ground."look...I already know what's wrong...it's normal, can...can you please stay out of it." Mr.smiths eyes burned into me. "Hmmm." He got up taking something from the counselor. "I'm sorry...I didn't think it was that bad dear... knowing this tho...does someone know? Because your safety is all I care about, it's no one else's business if you wish it so." I shake my head. "Sir...there's so much wrong with me... I'm bipolar, depressed, anxiety....and that's not even the worst of them." I mumbled. He nodded. "You know that's okay Kiki, for someone with issues you do great, no one would expect it....but I need to know." I nodded feeling the tears fall down my face as I face the fact that I'm different. I take the paper signing it to give the school permission to see my medical file. Only next to it in bold letters I wrote ONLY MR.SMITH. Closing my eyes I let go of the pen. Mr.smith sat next to me giving me a hug. "It's okay, I understand what it feels like to except things about your self, to not want to feel different because of an issue that you want to keep small. But remember, these things do not define you, Kiki you remember that." I nodded "yes sir..." "take the rest of the day off, I'll talk to your teachers and get your school work to you." "Okay..." I mumble getting up. "It's was nice to see you Kiki, you look like your doing well, and I promise it will only get better, just let some people in. There's some decent people here, I could give you a list." He started to laugh. I couldn't help but laugh as well. "Thank you Mr.smith." "No problem, remember I'm here to talk when ever." I nodded walking back to class to get my things. When I got to my dorm axel was pulling on a black shirt. He turned hearing me and smiled. "Hey, how you feeling..." he takes my face in his hands. "You were crying? How come? Did someone hurt you?" "No...I was just talking to the principal, that's it...nothing bad just my anxiety." "You sure?" "Yea I am." He takes my hands lightly rubbing him thumb on my scars. So he did notice them. He looked sad. "I have a history or cutting..." I whisper as his four head touches mine. "I started again when Carl died....then stoped when I met you...I take the blame for everything because...I my family like my uncles and aunts made me think at a young age everything was my fault. If my parents fought it was my fault, if someone got hurt weather I was there or not...my fault...when my brother died...my aunt blamed me...but never in-front of my parents...they said if I told them I'd regret it. They found out a month after Carl was gone...among other things." Axels nose trailed my neck up to my cheek till our noses touched. Since he was taller then me he tilted my chine up a lot and kissed me softly. "I don't know what to say...to fix your past." His arms wrapped around me. "But I'm here to listen, I'm here to tell you that your amazing, most importantly I'm here to make life different from this point on." My heart pounded as his head was placed on my chest. He smiled "your heart beats because the lord wills it to." He takes my hand and places it on his chest and my other on my own. "He allows both to beat, the scars are what help us see God. My scars tell my story of find him." I laughed a little. I had forgotten he was a believer. "Wait what scars?" Axel let go and turned his back to me pulling off his shirt. I frowned studying his back. Gasping I came closer. I never noticed since they were so light against his olive skin but they were there. I traced one with my finger that trailed from his right shoulder to his left hip. I had seen that one once since it was the only one that was lighter then his skin, but I didn't see it all the way. "My mom beat me." He said sighing. He sat on his bed pulling off his socks. I bit my lip. "You cut your feet" he shrugged "I use to as a teen, life was hard being a rich kid...but I got over it, grew up...I felt the feet was Easier to hide, but not from my self. I went to youth group once with my dad...and I found home." He laughed "my sisters believe in higher power, which is good. There supportive. My mother is better now, she was going through a hard time and stuff." I sat next to him taking his hand. "I want to tell you something...something I fear will make you leave me..." I whispered. Axel raised an eye brow frowning. "Kiki you could tell me your a murder or dying and I would still feel the same way towards you." The way he said that made tears fall from my eyes, both from relief and how spot on he was. That worried axel. "Kiki, I'm sorry I didn't mean..." "no...no it's okay." I bit my lip trying so hard not to brake down. "I...I've always wanted this...to build a relationship...but I couldn't...I didn't want to hurt someone...but I blindly fell for you..." "as did I" he said stroking my wet cheeks. "I want this to grow...to finally build something but....I don't know how long I have..." Axel frowned. "What do you mean?" I couldn't speck no matter how hard I tried. My tears were suffocating. I get up opening my top dresser pulling out a large binder. Looking at it I remember when I first saw it. I was three years old. I remember the doctors explaining to my mom how important this binder was now going to be in my life. Two years ago I had retired it...that's what I thought until four weeks ago. Axel stood up turning away. "I'm such an asshole." He mumbled. I watched as his hands covered his face. I was confused. I didn't even show him, why does he think he's an asshole? I stood there waiting for axel to turn back. When he did he looked shaken up. "I'm so so sorry...my comment was so insensitive...I didn't realize..." to my biggest surprise axel began to cry as well. He turned away again sitting on his bed. I was so confused. "My...dad...my dad also has one of those binders...." I sat it on my bed and went to his bed sitting next to me. He takes a deep breath to compose himself . "What kind?" The question threw me off. I was still trying to grasp the fact that I was going to tell him one of my biggest secrecy...but then the way he reacted...it confused me...his dad has this binder to? "Brain...I have brain cancer." I whisper looking away. He nodded and we sat in silence for a bit. Axel took a deep breath brushing the tears off. "Right...Kiki look at me." He pulled me into his lap. I place my hands on his bear chest to balance myself. He smiles at me pushing my bangs out of my face. "What we did last night, I don't retreat, I didn't do it for fun, I didn't even do it because in my head I wanted to. I did it because I truly feel that I love you, sure I have only known you for a short time but you stole my heart, knowing this has not changed my commitment, and I won't treat you differently, sure I'll worry...and maybe at some points I can't help but feel hurt...but I'm here to support you, help you thro this" I bit my lip laughing a little. "I'm sorry...I don't want to cry any more and this is very emotional." He laughed to despite the tears and he held me close. "For me to...my dad has lung cancer....he might be better after a transplant but..." I nodded. His phone stared to buzz. He groaned. "Crap...I have class in 10 minutes." I didn't want to let go yet. I wanted to stay in his warm embrace. It was safe. But I knew he needed those ten minutes. I pulled away a little kissing him lightly. He set me down picking up his shirt. "Right, so I was going to ask you if to night you will let me take you on a date?" He says pulling on his shirt. "But we don't..." "no, I'd love to." He smiles "you sure? We don't have to." "I'm sure." "Okay...text me if you need me okay." I nodded handing him his backpack.