starting a new

High

Kikis POV
I waited outside the office building for both my mom and axel. My mom is coming to have me home for the weekend...and I invited axel to stay. Axel came running from the dorm area with a backpack. "Sorry I'm late...I didn't know I was going to be staying the weekend." I shrugged my moms not here yet so it's okay." "Cool." He pulled me into his arms giving me a hug. At first I was surprised by the sudden affection. I blushed lifting my arms to bug him back. "I'm sorry...I'm so awkward." He laughed "I don't care." Stepping back he kisses my four head. "How was your day?" "Alright... I just did it all online." I jumped at the sound of a horn. My mom was pulling up. Axel released me but not my hand. I smiled a little. Damb he has a lot more confidence then me. The car stoped and I pulled him to it. Sliding in axel followed and closed the door. "This will be fun." She laughed. It was an awkward two hour drive. The first hour mom and axel talked about him mostly since mom wants to know him better. But then the topic came to his parents leading to death...leading to other deaths and it just grew heavy in the atmosphere. The topic was heavy. It was silent for the other half of the drive. When we got to my place axel stepped out nodding. "What a beautiful house?" I looked at it. The house was painted a light blue when we moved in. Mom had a flower bed surrounding the front of the house and more flowers hung above the porch on hooks. There was a swing chair for my parents or who ever was out to sit in and sun bath. Other then that we didn't have much. My parents made enough to feed us, clothes us, and get what we need, but we all knew what we wanted had to be next to non cause we could loss what we needed. We followed mom in. The house was mostly clean since there wasn't a whole lot. "Boys! Your sisters home!" The quiet house turned loud as three came running down stairs, two out of the living room and one out of the kitchen shouting there hello. I set my bag down laughing as they all pull me into a hug asking so many questions, asking if I was okay. Axel frowned looking at his hands. Was he adding? "Kiki! Look what I made for school." "Hey now don't mob your sister!" Mom shouted scaring me. "But I want to talk..." mom interrupted them all waving her hands for them to shoo. "Shoo, we talked about this, tonight..." Keith came down the stairs saying "we are getting high, now shoo." He wear a baggy sweater and jeans. He had chains coming out his pockets and a lot of bracelets on his arms. There was a beanie on his head that was black, and he wear a cross necklace. Pulling up his sleeves you can see the tattoos he got to cover up the many scares he had from cutting. As he came down everyone complained going up to there rooms. Before Ben and nick could go mom grabbed them by there hoods laughing. "I'm not retarded you two can join." I looked at Keith with a small smile. Man he looks worse then the last time I saw him. He has purple bags under his eyes. He nodded pulling me into his arms. "Hey sis, how are you?" I pull away a little running my thumbs across the bags under his eyes. "I could ask the same...are you okay?" He looked away taking my hands away from his face. One glance and I knew this was a later subject between us and no one else. Neither one of us ever said it out loud. The question "are you okay" was never really answered till we were alone. When we all lived at home that was at two in the morning when our insomnia was at its worse. I'd come down and find him in the kitchen eating ice cream and id join. It would eventually become a party cause we would mess around making a lot of noise, but we would spend 30 minutes having our heart to hearts. I had it with all my brothers. "Ready for this?" Keith asked laughing to lighten the mood. It has been a bit since I've heard him laugh. "Nope..." this was going to be so strange. My mom, three brothers and boyfriend is going to get high with me. I can't tell if there being supportive or just wanted to get high. Nick and Ben laughter "you will be fine." I followed everyone to the living room. Axel bumped me lightly. "Your mom had nine kids?" I nodded "five actually. Four sets of twins and me. The only way you can tell who is who's twin is the age difference. There's like two, three years between most of us." He nodded as we sat on the floor since all the bean bags were taken. We don't own a couch. "Sorry about the space, there's not a lot of it." Axel shrugged. "It's alright ." Ben ran out of the room and came back with a tray of drinks. Mom left coming back with a box as Ben handed us a glass of water. Mom sat down next to me opening it. Axel took my shaking hand as she prepared for the night. Keith took a bud and lit it taking a drag. He was use to this. He was stoned most the time now. Mom handed me one and I watched as the lighter went around.  Even axel seemed hesitant but lit his. "Do you want me to light that for you?" He whispered as I stared at the bud and lighter in my hands. I nodded handing it to him. I was way to nervous. Lighting it he handed it back passing the lighter on. Keith smirked raising his eye brows "come on, you did this already five times in a row just watching us get high instead of joining, it will help promise...what I do doesn't mean you have to...you know your limits." Ben scared me as he leaned in and blew smoke in my face. My brothers laughed, even my mom but she waved him off saying "stop teasing your sister."  Nick shrugged "Kiki's not usually this uptight with us...is everything okay Kiki?" I gave a small smile nodding "yes...just I've had...a hard year..."  "you look good for having a bad year." Keith noted. One glance at mom told me that she hadn't told them. Axel lifted my arm "carful you can burn yourself." He whispered coughing. He turned away blowing out. He didn't want to be rude. One of my brothers asked who axel was. I bit my lip and with all the strength I had I brought it to my lips inhaling slowly so I don't choke. Axel smiled lightly touching my check. "Blow out" he whispered. I nodded letting it out as I answered "he's my boyfriend." Keith sat up a little straighter at that. Nick and Ben paused looking at axel. "Hmmm" Keith hummed reaching for the lighter. "He seems nice." Nick said. Ben nodded. Keith didn't look so happy and it bugged me. I looked away focusing on how easy axel seemed. He didn't seem to mind smoking with us. I would never have guessed he wasn't calm. Mom offered him another one smiling. "She's the only girl in the house next to me, there just too much like there dad...very protective of his baby girl."  Axel nodded "is your father at work?" Everyone was quite. I looked away shuttering. "God...why are we starting so deep..." I whisper trying not to cry. "First Carl...dad...I almost get rapped...I'm constantly getting hurt and now my cancers spread to my brain...when does it stop." My brothers all begin to shout at once just learning about the last three. I just made things worse...but I don't care, they need to know. Tears slide down my face. Axel took my hand so confused about how this started. Mom was now fighting with Keith...sorta. "What did I say?" He whispered looking at me. "Dad died the same day Carl did....he was hit by a car...he was there to pick up my brother at the airport...they told him the plane had crashed....He was there for an hour trying to compose himself enough...that day I was hit by a car...dad got the call and left the airport instantly...but he had to pull over cause he couldn't see threw his tears...he was on the phone with mom when someone hit him." Axel sighed. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean..." Keith shouted "why didn't you tell me mom!" "If I did you would have
Done something stupid!" "Stupid! Stupid is the retard who dared to touch my sister with there perverted hands! What happened!" "I don't know she wouldn't tell me, sit your ass down and calm down now!" "Calm down! Calm down!...." He was so angry that he couldn't stop repeating himself. "Fuck!" He yelled and stormed out of the room hitting everything. I got up grabbing moms hand. "I got this...it's my fault...just stay here." "But..." "no buts." The back door slammed. At lest now I know we're he was going. Before I opened the back door you could hear him yelling, cussing God out. The last time I've seen Keith like this was when he found out his twin was dead. He ran out of the hospital into there garden tearing everything up. All I got out of him that day was that he felt that something was off in him...like a part of him went out, never to come back. I opened the back door and stepped out closing it behind me. I stood there and watch as he beat a near by trees with a baseball bat. To my surprise the metal bat bent. He dropped the bat and actually started pushing the tree yelling. I'm sure he knew it wouldn't actually fall at his attempt but he was angry, most likely seeing red. At lest that's what I thought...was this what it looked like to see red?  Suddenly he dropped crying "why God!" I nealed next to him placing a hand on his should. "I can't anymore..." he whispered. "I can't do it...I can't face reality anymore...half the time I'm drunk, if I'm not drunk I'm high...if I'm not high I'm in my room. Twenty fucking four and I'm nothing! I'm helpless!" I just sat down nodding. "Yeah...I can see that." He paused looking up at me. "Your an ass." I laughed pushing him so that I could sit in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me breathing hard. "It was humiliating, ALMOST getting raped by this asshole. I was naked, tied up...but then a teacher came in...then axel. He covered me up and showed the anger I couldn't imagine showing. My therapist came and talked to me about it...that's when I found out about my cancer growing and spreading, they just wanted to check. It was all to much for me...so one night I went to a party and got drunk for the first time. Terrible idea but I didn't know what to do. I woke and found out that axel found me drunk off my ass and he brought me back to the school...and the next day when I wasn't drunk...I slept with him." Keith was quite still calming down. "It was weird to be honest...I never thought in my life that I would ask to do that with someone...but I did...and not because I was afraid, I had for gotten actually. All I felt is this...overwhelming feeling of love for him, he didn't try to take advantage of me, he doesn't want anyone to hurt me, and I feel so safe in his arms. I loss all fear when with him. It feels nice." "So your telling me that you we're not rapped but you did have sex." I laughed "yes." Keith shifted sighing. "Well...I never imagined you would have had sex with someone before even introducing us to him...but your 18, sooooo...how was it?" I raised an eye brow looking up at him. "Your asking me about how it was?" Keith smirked "ummm...yea guess I am. I'm sure you have questions and stuff." I laid back sighing. "It was...oh Gosh it was such an amazing feeling. I felt like, like I wasn't even in the room. Everything disappeared and all there was is axel and I. It hurt some...but that was expected..." "I wouldn't know." Laughing I said "oh yea...how are you and Beth?" Keith went ridged. I looked up frowning "what happened?" "I...haven't talked to her...I've been...pushing her away." "Why? You lover her. You guys have known each other since diapers. I wondered why she wasn't here." "She was...twenty minutes before you showed up...I fucked up..." "what did you do?" I sat up turning to
Look at him. He looked away bitting his lip. Was it that bad? "Hey...no judgment, you didn't flip when I told you I wasn't a virgin." "Yea...because that's not as bad of a choice." "What happened?" "My PTSD is getting worse...all the meds I take are not helping much...I had an episode last night, Beth spent the night...I never knew I'd hurt her while I slept. She had bruises on her arms from me griping her arm..." "oh...did she..." "no...actually I found out I've been doing that to her for years...she wear long sleeves to hide it from me...I woke to find her putting makeup on...a black eye." I gasped "what happened." "I hit her...while I was sleeping...threw out the day we fought...or I fought with her about how wrong it was of me....she shouldn't be with someone like me." I frowned "you didn't." He shook his head wiping his sleeves on his face. "No...I didn't...but I asked her to leave...I should have." " no you shouldn't have..." I wrapped my arms around him and whispered "if I can open up and feel safe...you can to, and you have with Beth, you just don't see it, you love her, you told me, you respect her and her you. And your both saving yourselves for each other and that's powerful at twenty four. You just can't let things get in the way of that, don't tell yourself different." He sighed "I haven't..." he handed me a small box and gasped feeling it in my hands before even looking at it. "Is this..." he nodded taking it back. "It's a reminder of how much I love her...that I'm trying to get better but it's hard....with him gone...it feels like a large part of me was ripped out." I nodded looking at the ground. Carl and Keith we're very close. They could function without each other but in the end they were one person, they knew each other in and out and no one can take that place. Not me or Beth. But we could mend it making our own place in him. I was second in Carl and Keith's heart and I respect that...it was hard to watch Keith when Carl went. Before anyone knew something was wrong Keith was frantic trying to get ahold of Carl hours before the news. We were trying to meet dad at the airport when we were hit, and I was hospitalized. Keith had a minor concussion like mom and everyone else, so he had to be checked. Mom told me he was having trouble anxiety attacks every second saying something was wrong...till mom got a call from dad. So much bad news that day... so much pain, Keith and I already had so many problems and that day only added on. "What if your journey to healing is not what you think...your pushing her away, but Keith...your ptsd left marks on her and she hides it from you because she loves you, she obviously doesn't mind. She wants to go through it with you." "Yea...but it scares me...what if she won't see me as a man anymore." I couldn't help but laugh "Keith what do you mean? You no less of a man when you cry, or wake up in a cold sweat screaming and pissing yourself in fear, or when you react in anger because nothing else is working." I take his face in my hands making him look at me. "Keith she's not going to see you different because your depressed, have anxiety, ptsd, insomnia bla bla bla. She already knows of them all, she was there when you were dignos and stayed to help you just as you helped me when it was my turn. Your more of a man then anyone I know..." "yea right...no man hides behind alcohol and weed." I smirked "actually all cowering men do but your different, your trying." Keith smirked looking at the small box. "I've missed you...it's not the same without you." I nodded "yea...nothings the same, but we have to keep believing that when we hit bottom God will only help us back up, there's a reason for all of this." "Yea...but I can't take anymore." "Yea...me neither but I thought that before almost getting raped then I spent all night in the hospital with so much anxiety cause I couldn't handle losing my virginity yet only to loss it weeks later...maybe only god really knows our limit." "Oh please lord don't show me." He mumbled standing up. I got up as well wrapping my arms around him. "Just so you know I'm going to kill this axel guy if he hurts you." Smiling I shrugged "no you won't but I do believe you will reck his life." Laughing we go inside to find mom, Ben and nick laughing up a storm still smoking. They must be high. Axel was red to te face in embarrassment blowing out smoke. "Your finally back!" Ben shot raising the lighter to Keith. "Your missing the party moms winning." "Darn you all, I'd be winning if you didn't start without us." Keith said taking two from mom and sitting next to her. Mom laughed taking my hand "everything okay baby girl?" I nodded taking one and sitting between my mom and axel. "We're we at?" Keith asked kicking nick who was laughing at him for something. "We we're sharing embarrassing moments." Ben laughed. "Oh who shared?" Everyone looked at Keith laughing. "I feel bad for the poor baby" mom said whipping tears from her cheeks. I frowned "what happened." Axel bit his lip laughing a little "Umm the first time I slept in the dorm with you as my room mate." I didn't understand what he was talking about at first. Then I remembered hiding in the bathroom. I blushed "you all are so mean." I said lighting a new bud. "It's funny!" Nick shot laughing. "Oh yea what about all the the times anyone of you had them." They chocked up smirking a little less cocky about the situation. "Darn right and I witnessed them all." I said. Keith smirked glancing around. We were going to let go of the pain and have a good time together. I missed this the most when dad and Carl were with us. Looking around one last time I bring the bud to my lips once more scared out of my mind about this but I wanted to have a good time as well. Besides this is so much safer then drinking.