lemon and mint | Charles Leclerc

35.

July 2015

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My dear Charles, my sunshine, my lover, my lost boy, my everything,

I would ask you how you are doing, but I know you probably do miserably. Also, I doubt that you will respond to this letter. Don't feel like you have to. I'll understand if I don't get a reply.

I know you're mad at me, and you have every right to be. I don't know whether you know that I'm currently in the psych ward. Sebastian tried to talk to you, but he said to me that you didn't want to listen to him since you were really angry. Oh, gosh, I hope you will at least read this letter.

I'm here I'm because I tried to hurt myself really badly. That isn't an apology for anything. I know. I was just mentally in a really bad place, and I didn't know any other way how to get out of it. It was stupid, I know, but my actions made me realise a lot of things.

Let me kick off by saying that I love you. You're the best thing that happened to me, Charles. You have been a part of my life ever since we were 13. We went together through a lot of shit. Mainly, my shits. I know I wasn't always the easiest girl to deal with. I admit that I made many mistakes. I admire you for loving me throughout this all. Trust me, when I say I do. If I were in your place, I would slap myself so hard, but you didn't do that. You were always by my side. You were always there, helping me, dealing with my shits, protecting me, loving me. I cannot even say how grateful I'm for that.

I'm so sorry that I wasn't that person for you. After Jules' crash, I should've been the one to support you, care about you, and help you, but I feel like I've failed you terribly. I'm really sorry for that. I should've been there for you, but instead, I just shut myself down. I tried my best to be there for you and keep my facade, pretending that I was alright, until one day, it just backfired.

On the day of Jules' crash, I talked to Joanna. She said to me there was no way he'd make it. It was so tough to carry this burden, especially when I kept telling everyone, he would win that fight. I feel guilty about it now. I should've told the truth. I guess that letting him go would be then easier.

Or perhaps, it wouldn't. They told me yesterday that Jules had passed away. The fact I knew that day would come didn't make it any easier. I still can't believe it. I still wasn't ready to let him go. This information put me on edge. My mind was eating me alive.

I cannot even imagine how hard it's for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this without me. I'm also sorry that I wanted to leave you forever, even though I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I chose this path for us. I was the one who fucked things up, so I cannot pity myself.

Sometimes I wish so much to go back to that summer in Sicily. I would do everything to go back. I would have made so many different choices.

There is no doubt I'd do it all over again. I'd kiss you for the first time in Villa Mattoni all over again. I'd go all around Italy to watch you karting again. I'd fall in love with you again, spend my holidays with you in Tenerife. I'd do all those things again. I don't regret any single day with you. I would do it even with the hurt, the pain, and the sadness because it was all worth it. I would do everything just to get to feel your love once again.

I feel like I haven't mentioned that enough, but I just wanted to let you know how big of an impact you had on my life. You were, and you still are my everything. Sometimes, I felt that you were the only certain point in my life. My father betrayed me so many times. My mum and Seb had been lying to me for many years, and I felt really hurt by it. You were the only one who was always there for me. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

I love you, Charles. I love you more than you can imagine, but as much as love tends to be flowers, holding hands and cute dates, it's just one part of it. Sometimes it's about whether we should hold on or let go. There are times when letting go and making sacrifices means love. I know you will hate me for it, but I feel like I have to let you go. Letting you go is hard but needed because you deserve so much more.

You deserve someone so much better. You deserve someone who will speak to you clearly and truthfully. Someone who will be there for you. Someone who won't be afraid to let you go racing and someone who will deal with less bullshit. You deserve so much more than me.

I'm glad I was honoured enough to experience many firsts with you. I'm sure I will tell my children about it because I know you will achieve big things. You will shine so bright, and you will overcome any obstacles. I didn't want to be something that would hold you back from achieving it all.

I will tell them that I was honoured enough to experience my first kiss with that man driving that bright red Ferrari, winning championships for them. You'll be the one I tell them about when they ask what true love means. You'll be the one I tell them about when they ask me about a love story. You'll be the one I tell them about when they ask me about happiness.

I have always dreamt about that love story, but as I got older, I realised I was living in a love story. Me & you, our love story. But now, I see that maybe we were not a love story, but a story of love. It had so much potential, but it just was not reality.

Maybe we shouldn't have found each other just yet. If we belong together, we will find each other one day again, or maybe we won't. Let's just see what the universe holds for us. Whatever it is, I just want you to know you will always fill the most space in my heart, no matter what happens, Charles.

May happiness find you wherever you go.

Yours truly and forever

Pia

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Note:

This book was a hell of a ride. I enjoyed writing this book dearly, even though I have struggled many times. Big thanks belong to water4lily since she's the reason why I dared to put something out there in the first place.

Ending the book right here felt natural since Pia has so many demons she has to fight with, and that takes time.

I have read every single comment that any of you have left, and I appreciate every single one dearly. Thank you so much for your support and kind words.

Perhaps this is not the last time you see Pia in action.

Enjoy the rest of your day, and remember to be kind to yourself.

ps if you're interested, I'm currently working on a new project, and I might publish the first chapter soon.

update: THE SEQUEL IS OUT NOW!

Much love

Anna <3