In misery L.H

Part three: things will break

In Luke's point of view

I believe I should explain myself,the way I think I am or the way my therapist thinks I am are two opposites.

I thought I was a normal angsty teenager trying to test the rules or whatever turns out I have depression and anxiety so I guess that explained my feelings.Sometimes I would start crying and I don't really know why and hell I was and that scared me.I didn't even feel sad I felt empty.I felt nothing and everything at the same damn time and God did that scare me.I should've had to take a blade to my skin to feel something and I shouldn't still want to I am an adult I'm scared so damn scared I should be over this no one wants to hear of adults being depressed were told it gets better does it not for everyone.Im terrified of myself.Im terrified I won't amount to anything.

I am technically on Zoloft a depression medication or I was, I refused to take The medication.The meds numbed me out and I just wanted to feel something again as I can only describe my feelings as a painful and inevitable emptiness that consumes me in nights I can't help but think.I was drowning and I want it to be over for good.

My mom frantically called Michael ,My brothers had already left this morning as it was 8 am when I refused to leave my dark bedroom and locked my doors.I wasn't going to school I couldn't handle that.I couldn't handle much theses days.My mom knew something was wrong because throughout my years I always took school seriously I don't even know why.Kids with depression tend to have lower scores in school so I think I wanted to make people think I was ok when I wasn't by doing that .

I currently was sitting on my bed that had been pushed into the corner and my back dug into the space where the two dark blue walls met.I had a burning cigarette in my left hand I only inhaled 4 times in the last 10 minutes and it was going to end soon.I smoked when I was stressed or defining neurotic,which occurred quite often sadly. knock. knock. knock. I looked up at the white door lazily I was tired and neurotic I haven't broken down in almost 6 weeks the last time I had I was found by Michael at the school on the bleachers at 3 am.crying with 7 finished cigarettes.they where my way of slowly dying I was tired of bleeding to feel something.Dying was a painful and inevitable process by which some humans chose to speed up whilst many try to slow down.

"Luke please let me in" Michael said.my mom always called him when I broke."Luke I need to know you're okay I'm scared" he said a little louder my mom had to leave the minute he got here fore work.She was scared I would try to kill myself again.Everyone was.I tried to over dose on aspirin.My brain swelled and started pushing on my skull,It was the most physical pain I had ever been in .Jack found me I wish he would of just let me die then.Since then jack has been almost avoiding me like he's staying away because really who wants to be there when I do end it, because one day I really think I might just snapped and tie the rope pull the trigger down the pills however I do it It'll work this time.Because No one will care about trying to save me.Because people like me aren't loved.We're bound to give more love then we'll ever receive and that's sad.Not being lived the way you loved someone is so sad it makes me look like a rainbow.
My mother was already 30 minutes late to work."IM FUCKING SCARED MICHAEL I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ANYMORE I CANT KEEP DOING THIS IT HURTS SO MUCH " I screamed I could hear the nasty voices in my head screaming my flaws at me telling my I wasn't good enough that I was weak I had no control I could feel the acid from my stomach in the back of my throat my eyes burning from the tears leaving them god I was loosing it again.I remember Michael unlocking the door with the key I had on top the frame.I remember how he gasped a bit probably taken back by the mess I was .I remember the room being hazy from the smoke swirling around the air in different shades of grays and blacks like think pools of shadows.I remember the way he whispered"God luke don't scare me like that, it's ok, I'm ok, you're okay everything will be ok"as he hummed he knew I wasn't ok and that my the scars on my wrist and the old hospital bands in my nightstand that nothing was really ok anymore like it use to be before my dad left. Softly closing my door he coughed a bit my cigarette burned to the filter no longer emitting the foul smelling smoke he opened my window to filter that shit out You could see the toxic clouds leaving my windows and then he threw the filter out the window and into my front yard littering.I had my hands wound tightly into my blonde hair he grabbed my hands removing them from their current position tugging away at the light colored locks.I remember some of my hair was actually pulled out with some crimson shaded blood and the way Mikey whimpered "oh lukey" like I was dying.I felt like I was emotionally .I believe dying would be less painful at least then I knew it was over and I didn't have to go through this hell anymore.