365 Moments

First moment

"I am  sorry , Ms miracle but we can't continue with your treatments , your cancer is too advanced and I am afraid it has spread out to other organs as well."

I sat still as my oncologist Mr Johnson read out my fate like it was already drafted , he wore a stoic expression trying his best  not to be emotional , trying to balance work and family .

I raised my chin to look at him , swallowing up the lump that formed at the back of my throat , I had been preparing for this day since I found out about my cancer last two years . I went for treatments , believed and had hope that I would survive but life was a bitch always reminding us that we are nothing but pawns in it's hands , try as we may to protest , we are nothing but pawns .

Mr Johnson brought his hands to his face no doubt not finding words to fit the news he was about to break to me .
"  I am sorry but we can't continue with the treatment , your body has stopped responding to them , and your at the last stages of Small cell lung cancer {SCLC} , there isn't much we can do but keep you comfortable till your body goes off "  I took a deep breath and grabbed doctor Johnson's hands  

  " how long do I have? " I asked ,  

Doctor Johnson took a deep breath squeezed my hands  " just a year left " 

he said his voice just above a whisper .
I slumped back in the seat I was in and took deep breaths trying to force the tears down as they threatened to pour out , Doctor Johnson came around and engulfed me in a hug and that was when the dam broke , my tears came in waves as I sobbed into his chest clutching onto him for dear life.

I hoped everything was a dream that I would wake up and everything would be alright but that was my sad reality , I was going to die in a Year's time , I stayed in Doctor Johnson hug for a few minutes before I pulled away I suddenly felt the urge to be away from the hospital , I always hated the antiseptic smell , the sadness  and in-between life and death auras that always hung around it , it drove me insane and right now it was doing nothing to help me .

" I will be on my way John , thanks for everything , we saw this coming , I wish it wasn't so soon "  I said getting to my feet ready to make my escape but doctor Johnson hand grabbed me  " will you be ok okay? "  He asked , I nodded my head .

" Alright then , I will send the rest of your medications to your house , painkillers to help with the pains and joint pain , call if something happens "  he said pure concern laced in his voice . I went to him and grabbed him in a hug , I don't think I would have been able to make it this far if he wasn't my doctor  , I wanted to give up but he gave me hope , he was my dad's best friend , therefore he was like a second father to me   " I will be fine don't worry okay, Make sure to grab something for lunch "  I said kissing his cheek  " I don't think I will be able to eat after today "  he replied .

I looked tenderly at him but I couldn't and woudn't let them start mourning while I was still alive  " John "  I used the nickname I had always called him since I was five . 

" Can we postpone that till the day I actually die , I wouldn't want you coming with me to the great beyond , I hear it's a scary place" .

I say attempting a joke and it worked a plastic smile appeared on his face it wasn't what I was looking for but it was close , I hugged him one last time and left the hospital .

I took the bus home , I had refused to take my car , because I didn't know what to expect after my visit to the hospital I didn't think I would be in a position to drive , I made it back home in less than forty minutes , I walked into the house and found my mom in the kitchen making lunch , it was an image I was used to , I always came home to her making lunch since I was In elementary school , it was a good thing she worked from home , before I could stop myself I went to her and grabbed her in a hug.