365 Moments

thirteenth battle

It's been weeks since I last saw king , to say I wasn't worried was an understatement , I had a doctor's appointment today and honestly didn't want to be at the hospital , but I had to , I had to fight, even if it was a losing battle. I stared at my haggard reflection in my huge mirror that was stood beside my room dresser , I looked sickly , all skin and bones , but that was easily covered with big clothes , my joints hurt more and my headaches were worse , I gave up taking my painkillers because they weren't really helping but only made me feel helpless and hopeless , so I opt for feeling the pain atleast that way I felt alive as the pain made me feel more human.

I stopped the self pity and put on my clothes , putting on some make up to cover up my bony face and applying a thin layer of lip gloss to my dry lips .

I said goodbye to my mom and found my way to the hospital, I tried not to over exert my self , my lungs are tired and are finding it difficult to function , most night I slept with the help of my oxygen mask , it was a sad way to live but a way nonetheless.

I took a sigh of relief when I got into the cool interior of the hospital building , it was hot outside and the Lagos public means of transport was by no means comfortable , I stopped driving my car early this year ( doctor's orders) something about it being dangerous . I really don't get why we humans always tried to prolong or in my words cheat death when we all knew that one way or the other it would comes for us no matter how we fight it , after all die na die  according to the street slag in Lagos.

I checked in with Jemima and she gave me a kind smile and also lete know I could go in . I made my way to my usual bed and a nurse came to me and started the usual boring conversations all nurses tried to have with their patients , sometimes I wondered if they genuinely cared or if it was out of duty .

" How are you?" She asked

" I'm doing as well as any terminally ill patient" I turned my head to the other and presented her with my wrist while effectively ending the conversation, not like I cared I just wanted to be done and on my way . She attached the IV tube and let me know she would be back to check up on me .

" How are you Mira?" I heard that familiar voice that always spoke to me whenever I came to the hospital  , I turned to him and smiled and to my surprise it was a real smile not one of those forced one I gave .

" Hello grandpa  , I'm doing relatively well and you?"  He wheeled his way to me and stopped by my side .

" I'm doing very well "  he replied  " although this nurse wouldn't let me have a single drop of whiskey"

I laughed " you know you shouldn't have alcohol, it bad for your kidneys" I replied

" My kidneys are already bad , a cup of whiskey wouldn't kill  me , besides I will die anyways why not live the remaining days to the fullest" he replied with that far away look in his eyes only this time their was a glint of contentment In them as well.

" Why are so calm about dieing ?" I asked because I envied how he seemed to be so relaxed about it

He guffawed to my dismay and embarrassment covered my featured as I tired not to squirm under the scrutiny of the other cancer patients in the room .

" I'm not calm about it neither am I relaxed , I'm scared if I could have it any other way  , I would have loved to live but we can't cheat death , it will come , it doesn't matter how or when , the only regret is , sometimes we haven't lived enough so we try to fight it , but then there's acceptance , I have learned to accept it the way it is and hope there's something beautiful in the great beyond for me "

I bit on my lips trying to swallow the fact that be had come to terms with the fact that he was going to die very soon , that tomorrow he might not be here and sincerely speaking I was afraid for him , what of he went to hell and burned in that fire we were told sinners where sent to in Sunday School , I stopped going to church when my dad died because I didn't understand why a God so mighty and great let my father die and now I was dieing too living my mom all alone  , if you asked me he was being unfair ,I didn't like that .

" Death is scary , no body wants to die " I said softly , knowing he could  hear me , he took my hand in his and I felt that fatherly warmth that emanated from him and just at that moment I wished I could be in his arms and cried about my life .

" Death isn't scary , it's just that we humans think here is beautiful because we don't know what is in the hereafter , but we forget that God promised us a mansion and a road made of gold with a river flowing with milk and honey and also a life with no pain , death isn't scary , what's scary is the fact that it comes unexpected , but is it really unexpected if we all know we will die someday?"  He patted my hands and wheeled away leaving me to ponder on his last words and a very small part of me was scared this was the last time I will speak to him .