A Handful of Daffodils (Forgotten Series, #7)

Chapter Sixty-Four

The words came out almost without me meaning too. I never thought I would say that but as I looked at her, saw how timid she became when I was around, how she shook, how she would glance at me and then her gaze would skitter away. I couldn't go with her. I was clearly not good for her. I wasn't. I had done so much harm to her, I had allowed her brutalization and I was so glad I was getting punished for it. I deserved it.

Forty-two lashes. Twenty-one for her. Twenty-one for the baby she carried.

A part of me still couldn't believe it and the other part of me was fucking terrified. Chrissie died on the birthing bed, she bled out in front of me. I had caused that. I had killed her with it. I was utterly terrified the same would happen to Menza. But still, I couldn't go with her. A part of me screamed that I needed to and the other part looked at her and knew that she was too kind, too loving, that she would stand there, looking timid and try to fix me. She would try to fix what I caused, she would try to remove that guilt and shame that was of my own doing.

The worst part was I knew I would let her. I would once again fall towards her, letting her prop me up, help me through that and she didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve any of that. She would be trying to fix something that I caused, she would be trying to fix the guilt, regret, and shame that was caused from me allowing her to be brutalized. I couldn't do that.

Mike and his female told me repeatedly that Duffy said she was doing well, she was getting better with the older female and I could see, in the few sparse moments she spent with me, that was unravelling. I was... I was all wrong for her. Especially with how I was now. I couldn't be the male she deserved, not right now.

All the eyes pressing down on me had me swallowed. "It's not you." I blurted it out and shook my head. "Or the baby. I just... can't." I had so much shit to work out and I swallowed hard, looking at the floor as I watched as she flinched slightly under the words. I felt so fucking guilty. It was good she was going to be taken away, this pack was... it was horrible for her and by default that meant I was too, even without the mess I was inside about everything that happened. Vis was a New Way pack. She deserved to be where she could heal from all of the shit that had been piled onto her in Sublatus. She needed a fresh start, even if it meant it was without me.

I hated that, I did. I wanted to be there, to protect her and our baby but I knew that it wasn't possible. I wasn't the person to do that for her. I couldn't stand in front of her and protect her from the world. I had lost that right, even if it was just in my own mind. I was the worst sort of male and I couldn't be around her, I couldn't touch her while I felt like this. Like I would taint her with my very presence. I had taken a wonderful thing, a wonderful female, and I allowed her brutalization and I knew I would never deserve forgiveness for that.

"It's too much to put on you after everything." I swallowed hard and glance at the older female. "Duffy should go with you instead of me." The female clearly put Menza first above everything else and that was what she needed, I knew that was what she needed. She needed someone beside her who would put her first and Duffy had proven that she would do that, again and again. "She can take care of you and-" I nearly choked. "And the baby." I worked my jaw back and forth.

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

The word bounced around my head much like the word coma had before. I wanted to hit my knees and beg her for forgiveness but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't do that because she would tell me it was her fault and that she understood my anger and how upset I had been. I hated myself because I had been a big part in why she felt like that. She believed it was all her fault because I told her it was, I told her time and time again that it was and I wanted to choke under every single horrible thing I had shouted at her in my unwarranted anger.